Sometimes when I’m feeling lonely, I head on over to Best Buy and pretend to know nothing about my phone.
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[first day at coaching job where I lied pretty badly on my resume]
ok guys, get out there & do some of those *looks at clipboard* slum danks
Me: Please be still
3: Okay
Me: Please be still
3: Okay
Me: Please. Be. Still.
3: What is still?
Indie bands are always like “we recorded this album at an abandoned spaghetti factory in Providence, Rhode Island.” Why? Why’d you do that? There are recording studios with couches and electricity
Me: Gotta stock up- snow storm is coming!
Cashier: What a cool mom getting all these awesome snacks for the kids!
Me:..for the kids…yeah
Thoughts and prayers for my mom, she’s really struggling with my weight
I got a letter from a bill collector saying this is the last time they will attempt to contact me, so this problem really solved itself
how…. how do u get sold out… of having no mayo????
Only whores show their boobs. Only uptight bitches won’t show their boobs. Please show me your boobs. Women are crazy. – men
I feel like I’d do well in a zombie apocalypse. Not from survival or fighting skills. I just think the zombies would just recognize my similar dislike of moving quickly and enjoyment of biting people and accept me as one of their own.
Finding $5 you didn’t know you had is awesome til you realize you’re 34, it’s 2011 & $5 won’t even buy enough gas to drive you off a cliff.
*posts “Glitter is my favorite color”*
*sits back to smirk while 347 strangers tell me glitter isn’t a color*
the first cicada of the season just walked itself right into my fire pit. 13 years under ground looked at the world and said nope
Eggs benadryl my favourite
Taking applications for a semi pro story telling back scratcher.
Must work nights.
LinkedIn is a terrible dating site
I AM A THREE THOUSAND YEAR OLD SHRUNKEN HEAD AND I DEMAND TO BE REHYDRATED.
why do men take selfies like they’re being held hostage & can only communicate through their eyes that something terrible is happening
my advice to anyone at an unpaid internship — steal from them. big stuff too. take the copier. roll it right onto the elevator.
can’t believe I got front row seats
dog math is dividing the number of secret service agents you bite by seven
What exactly do you have to plant to grow a seedless watermelon? Just water?
When I was a kid my family was so poor my parents were forced to give my imaginary friend up for adoption.
Him: You matter
Me: I know, Tarzan. We all are
emails from companies that start with stuff like “only nine weeks left to…” who are these for? who has their life together enough to act that far in advance. I don’t know what I’m wearing to work in ten minutes.
Important news x ( everyone needs this on a Monday morning )
The “free milkshakes for a month” contest I just won is telling me my month’s supply of shakes is 5 shakes. Yeah 5 should last me a month…
When my new neighbor dies, I’m going to hire the same tree removal service he has outside my window right now to work during his burial.
Scientist next to me: My god. Reality is a simulation.
Me (also a scientist): My god. I haven’t fed my tamagotchi in 17 years.
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s sort of like a drink but with lumps in it”.
If you piss me off bad enough and tell me to leave you alone, I will take 30 Adderall and send you cat pictures every 3 minutes for 6 days.