Fun new prank: Walk into a busy restaurant and call out the name of a rare Pokémon.
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When I worked at a bookstore, I learned that when an author like Dean Koontz signs his books, their resale value goes up.
I also learned that when an author like Stephen King signs Dean Koontz’s books, the price goes even higher and that Dean Koontz is not amused by this.
Sex scenes in movies are okay but the audience MUST BE WARNED. A red flashing light, words on the screen saying WARNING: SEX SCENE AHEAD and a loud ‘awooga! awooga!’ type siren would be a good start
$175 an hour, $175 an hour…
– my therapist’s notes
Wanna know what it’s like being married?
Chain yourself to a wild animal.
Now kick the animal.
Plant care tips
Morpheus: If you take the red pill, I will show you what the Matrix is.
Neo: *ingests pill* Whoa.
Morpheus: It’s also a powerful laxative.
back in the day, my idiot friends and i used to pump our right fists in the air and say “right arm” instead of “right on” my god how are we still alive
*puts powdered sugar around my nostrils and walks into blind date set up by my mom*
ME: i can’t wait for the game of thrones series finale!
FRIEND: oh i didn’t know you watched game of thrones
ME: i don’t
cop: this flat earther was ran over by a steamroller
detective: i guess you could say it’s [puts on sunglasses] really bright outside today
Dilemma: Your daughter brings home a guy with an Insane Clown Posse t-shirt on but your garden is already completely full of corpses.
Vet: I’m afraid I’m going to have to put your horse down
Me: But why?
Vet: It’s very heavy
It’s not a good date unless it ends with you slowly walking off into the ocean like Godzilla.
we call em houseplants like thats where they belong but its just where we put em thats like if u threw me in the sewer & called me sewer boy
just found out the guy who is lying about the trans flag being the “MAP flag” was charged in court as a pedophile
Cashier: Have a great day
[goes to cashier’s home in the evening}
Me: I have bad news
I’ve been walking on eggshells at work lately. My employer claims it’s cheaper than installing new carpeting.
[helps little old lady across street]
ME: so can I be in your will?
You haven’t truly witnessed humanity at its worst until you’ve visited an all-you-can-eat buffet with crab legs on it.
Do you have any candy? NEXT!
Do you have any candy? NEXT!
Do you have any candy? NEXT!~Me. Speed dating.
My husband has entered the “fun socks” years.
Place any sort of bowl like object anywhere in your house and in a month and it will have collected old screws, batteries, and pens like some kind of black hole.
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
Note to future self:
Tequila is a liar.
You do not sound exactly like Axl Rose & the people at karaoke will not catch you if you stage dive
*looks out the window, sees bubonic plague is back*
Mondays, amirite?
*walks outside to see an abandoned post-apocalyptic desert, humanity wiped out, no one to be seen*
“Ugh the ONE day my hair looks perfect”
Every time a cop pulls me over I get nervous because I think they’re finally going to arrest me for those hotel towels I stole while vacationing.
Without freedom of speech we wouldn’t know who the idiots are!
Yes I carry a briefcase chained to my wrist in the airport. No one is stealing my travel cheese.
*Husband using Ouija board after I’ve died*
Please answer me
*arrow moves*
“It’s on the top shelf. Right there. RIGHT THERE! Use your eyes!”