Sometimes when I’m in the shower I’ll hear a strange noise and start singing EXTRA good in case the intruder has some connections.
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How many husbands have I had? You mean apart from my own?
In case you’re wondering how sadistic toddlers are, my 3yo just bit into a hard boiled egg and was upset that there wasn’t a baby in it.
ME: How was the date?
FRIEND: Uncomfortable. She mentioned that her last boyfriend died repeatedly.
ME: So he’s like a Highlander or something?
I accidentally swallowed some Scrabble squares.
Going for a poo could spell trouble!
Sometimes I wish I was an octopus so I could hit 8 colleagues at once.
My new washing machine plays a tune very similar to an ice cream truck when it’s finished.
There’s no ice cream in there. I checked. Twice.
United Airlines just tried to charge me $25 for the bags under my eyes.
I could never do polyamory not because of jealousy or anything I just don’t have it in me to keep track of more than one birthday
Worst part of a corporate job is no tips. Someone should slip you a $20 if you write a killer email
Guy: If u won lotto, what’d u get?
Me: A cat sitter
G: To take extra good care of Sox?
M: *pictures a cat in a suit taking care of me* Yes
Me: *finally asleep*
Raccoons: Let’s have a rave on the deck and scare the shit out of her at 4am!
CNN: We’re not sure but we’ll report it anyway.
All these gifts today better get me laid.
Wife (in a narrator’s voice): …but, then she overheard him talking…and he never did get laid.
The idiot’s diet is just biting your tongue.
Bought a chicken to make sandwiches. It doesn’t. It shits on the floor.
Remember that time when you didn’t call, & a giraffe round house kicked your neck, & you fell off a merry-go-round & died?
So sad. Really.
shaved my legs in case there’s someone hot and single aboard the ufo
Boy, I hate small talk.
*coworkers all grimace*
He’s right behind me isn’t he?
*Small talk starts cracking his knuckles*
The pool supply sales lady told me I should shock my swimming pool once a week, so I keep showing it my senior picture.
BEST FRIEND: Dude I’m broke!
ME: …
DAUGHTER: I have to sell my house!
ME: …
BROTHER: I have NOTHING, you took it ALL!
ANGEL ON SHOULDER: You should help them.
MONOPOLY GUY ON OTHER SHOULDER: FINISH THEM!
In Twilight, if Jacob just got some therapy maybe he could be a Self-Awarewolf
my friend: [just got fired from his job] what a day
me: [got to the gym and only my left headphone worked] you have no idea
Her: You know, I hear a lot of guys are celebrating St. Patrick’s Day this year with a quiet dinner at home.
Me: Yea, the nursing home…
*watches TV*
GET AN ANONYMOUS ONLINE QUOTE NOW!
*logs on*
“You’re a giant idiot and your parents are very disappointed in you” – Anonymous
To the dude i just saw driving a beat up Ford mini van with spare tire and dream catcher on mirror: that dream catchers not working dude!
ME: Yeah, I’ve heard that movie.
FRIEND: You mean ‘seen’ that movie.
ME: Ha ha. No! I’m on twitter. I haven’t seen a movie in 3 years.
A documentary about how the band Hanson exploded onto the music scene in the 90s, call it MmmBoppenheimer.
Cookies from Best to Worst:
1. Chocolate chip
2. Girl Scout
3. Oreos
…
…
727. Browser
728. Tossed
729. Raisin
No matter which door you go in at the Home Depot, you’ll always exit the farthest one from your car.