@bfrosty04

Sometimes when I’m sad, I’ll go to the park and, from a distance, look thru my thumb and index finger and begin squishing people’s heads…

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@Darlainky

I replaced the spare tire in my car with a box of wine. I’ve no idea how to change a tire, & I bet I’ll need a drink as I wait for a ride.

@meghaffer

I was worried about being overdressed for a Walmart run, but I spilled my dinner on my shirt, so I’m good now.

@JimmerThatisAll

“There’s a clown hanging over you.”

“You mean cloud.”

“I wish I did.”

“Dammit.”

@Quartzjixler

I am so proud to be part of a society that needs television commercials to remind us not to lock our kids in hot cars.

@thatguyJA

My minivan has this cool anti-theft system called its a minivan

@BillPelicanBros

A guy knocked on my door asking for a donation for the Abandoned Children’s Home…so I gave him my kids.

@ShakesREMIX

My surname: ‘Ever.’ My given forename: ‘Superior’. Similar to a torn talofibular ligament, I am not one to be trifled with.

@juliussharpe

With all the conflicts in the world, the board game Risk has taught me the first thing we should do is invade Australia.