@bfrosty04

Sometimes when I’m sad, I’ll go to the park and, from a distance, look thru my thumb and index finger and begin squishing people’s heads…

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@juneohara65

I have a time phobia.
*looks at watch, panics
*looks at clock, panics
*looks at thyme “This I can handle.”

@iNusku

I just wish God hadn’t hidden all of my talents so well.

@iwearaonesie

wife: Why would you bring a dog to an interview?
me: Why wouldn’t you bring a dog to an interview?

@LeBearGirdle

God: okay so manatees, no necks on them, like wet potatoes

Angel: yes sir, and what shall I do with all the excess necks?

God: *smiles and looks over at the giraffe* YOU!

Angel: sir pls, he can’t possibly have al-

God: ALL THE NECKS!

@Darlainky

There’s no rule that says only fruit can be put in water infusers. But let me tell you, people get real weirded out when you put beef jerky and cheese in there.

@thepunningman

Interviewer: Under skills you put horse whisperer and able to see ghosts
Me: Ask that horse if you don’t believe me
Interviewer: What horse?

@synthandlasers

People: “I want 2020 to be like the roarin’ twenties!”

Earth: “Alright, infectious disease is spreading.”

People: “No, not like that.”

Earth: “The US stock market is tanking.”

People: “Wait…”

Earth: “LMAO Bars can’t be open anymore.”

@jordan_stratton

The best part of Robocop is when they spent billions of dollars making a cyborg super soldier instead of helping Detroit not be awful.

@mydmac

I wish my credit card was like me and had 0% interest.

@AimeeHelene1

DON’T INTERRUPT ME!!!

(me, in a drunken argument with your dog)