Me: I’m single – I can eat beans whenever I like
Also me: why am I still single
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7: Mom, sometimes when you’re talking to me, I have no idea what you’re talking about.
M: Join the club.
Boss: How is the project coming along?
Me:*closing browser of sick kick flip videos* Totally rad…icalizing our sales data analysis, Sir.
Coworker: *sneezes*
Me: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: *stabs them in the neck with a pen*
How much chocolate is too much chocolate before it is technically no longer a salad?
Stupid autocorrect changing “restraints” to “restaurants”
“Adult assembly required” bro, how tf do you build an adult?
They’re doing a meeting activity called Escape Room and that pretty much sums up what I’m trying to do.
“40 is the new 30!” My dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Banned from driving.
She blocked me on everything, she must wanna see me in person
Instead of the death penalty they should make prisoners nice and comfortable and then tell them that the remote control is across the room.
*Cracks knuckles*
“Time to solve an international conflict with the worst takes you’ve ever seen in your life”
When life hands you alligators, make gator aid.
What do electric cars and diarrhea have in common.
The fear of not making it home.
#RubbishJokes
#WednesdayThought
Me: I only want two strips of bacon.
Buffet bacon: Have this clump of 87 pieces of bacon.
If you encounter a bear in the woods, stand perfectly still and try to look like kale.
Me: one man’s trash is another man’s treasure
Garbage truck driver: are you seriously doing an Italian job on a garbage truck?
I hear the Pink Panther song when I sneak down the hall for a midnight snack..
You can lead a horse to waterbed, but you can’t make it snuggle.
it takes 700 grapes to make a bottle of wine and that’s why you’re fat
*dipping a pine cone in my coffee* Gosh I just love fall
My coworkers think I’m always busy but I’m really just trying to remember my password.
The funniest thing about Batman is that he legitimately doesn’t give a shit about crime that happens during the day.
You know that scene from The Office where Kelly updates Jim on all the celebrity babies and he says “that’s great. What’s new with you?” And she says “I just told you.”
Well, that’s my situation every evening in my marriage but it’s Kate Middleton.
Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer had a very shiny nose. Other symptoms of his alcoholism included violent rampages and chronic nausea.
Jack is coming over.
“Jack from work or Jack and the…”
[a beanstalk comes up through the floor and crashes through the ceiling]
Him: What’re you eating?
Me: All of it.
Just realized the little piggy that went to market was NOT just going shopping so I’mma need to shut it down for a day.
If you get a DM from Keanu Reeves asking for money, it’s probably fake because I already took care of him
when u get so high u forget u ordered food
I don’t know who the pun editor of the NY Post is, but the headline PEACHES’ DEATH IS STILL FUZZY deserves a citation and/or beating.