I smelled alcohol and got all excited then realized it was only hand sanitizer.
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I’m so tired, I’m thinking of visiting my grandma just so I can take a swig outta her oxygen tank.
Boy ant: Feel like a swim?
Girl ant: Can’t, I’m not boy ant.
Robert, you forgot to shut the window. That baby flew in, again
People on Twitter: OMG I love how confident you are
Me: [playing trivia at a bar by myself because I assume people don’t want me on their team even though two groups of friends literally asked me to join their teams] yep
Who tf be hiding shrimp in their socks?
If it wasn’t for “only one cashier open and it’s a cute guy in his twenties and I am buying a cart full of tampons” luck, I wouldn’t have any luck at all
I smoke in the car and the smell is in my clothes, skin, and hair but this gum will cover everything up so no one will know.
– smokers
Hear me out.. fashion bibs for adult messy eaters, like me
I can forgive the fact that Peter Peter was a pumpkin eater, but I can’t abide by the fact that his first and last name are the same.
We have a cricket in our garage and every once a while, to keep him entertained, I go out and tell him corny dad jokes.
Then I wait.
dentists and waitstaff go to the same class called ‘When to Ask Questions’
My seven year old just said, “I kinda want to experience being a dad but I kinda don’t want to get married” Should I ask him more questions.
Moment of silence for the guy in Target who just said to his girlfriend, “that seems like a lot of money for face lotion.”
Days after my plane crashed, I find a phone. Thankfully, it has enough battery for me to go online & argue with strangers. I remain stranded
[confession booth]
me: *sneezes*
priest: I’m not falling for that one again dan
All of these stories about missing campers.
Nobody has ever gone missing sitting on their couch.
TIME TRAVELLER: No
WAITER: You guys ok? Do you need anything?
me: [holding my cat like a baby] the apocalypse is here
cat: [scratches me]
me: no. we must remain calm
I began speaking English with a French intonation after a fender bender. Well, I guess accents will happen.
I like to split up my kid’s orange so he can refuse to eat half at lunch and refuse to eat the other half at snack
Accidentally texted my dad “have a hood day” and he shot three people
Mystery novels gave me unrealistic expectations of how often murders would be committed by butlers
*getting caught filling up neighbor’s trash can*
Omg Karen, I just looove your trash can! Where did you get it?
COP: don’t worry sir, we’ll find your kids as soon as we can.
ME: no hurry.
You guys, how can true love still exist if we don’t have mixed tapes anymore?
just learned that cows have best friends. when they are together they experience less stress which means even cows have more friends than you
It’s not really family vacation until everyone is crying because of sun poisoning, you’ve lost at least 3 bikini tops in the ocean, and your spouse is just staring off into nowhere regretting all decisions that led up to this point in life
My dentist says it’s ok to open stuff with your teeth and that flossing is “the next big scam.” He’s at my house today for a surprise checkup/to ask if he can park a car in my backyard for a few weeks “until the heat dies down.” His rates are very affordable.
FAMILY MEETING!
And, just like that, dad had the whole house to himself…
When you’re doing all you can just to get by in life.