@Cheeseboy22

Sometimes when I’m sitting in a swivel chair, I’ll turn around quickly and smile and pretend I’m in the opening credits of a sitcom

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@ankles_so_weak

[in hell]

me: *sad* why am I here?

satan: you’re a murderer

me: what? no I’m not

satan: oh no? *rolls footage of my 3rd grade dance recital* you absolutely SLAYED, guuuuuuurl

me: *blushing* aww

@vineyille

If you like piña coladas / Getting caught in the rain / Drink this piña colada / It was caught in the rain

@bobvulfov

dates 1-4: let me tell u about my extremely normal hobbies and interests

date 5: i don’t think the moon is real

@AlmightyBored

Me to my 18yo, who doesn’t like chocolate: What do you crave when you have your period?

Her: Justice.

@novicefather

[1st ppl to go camping]
wife: what do u wanna do this week?
hubs: luxury cruise?
w: no
h: nice hotel?
w: no
h: pretend to be homeless
w: YES

@gingerfaced

My current diet all ends with an S.

Pizzas.
Hamburgers.
Tacos.
Nachos.
Everything that’s in sights.

@Brentweets

If you are really good at comedy you can make $250 writing for a multimillionaire.

@justokpanda

[screaming and mass hysteria]

Party host: WHYYYYYYYYYYY?!

Me: I thought you said BYO bees

Guy holding a jar of pee: I also misheard

@GodfreyElfwick

I suggest now is the time to send ISIS some *very* strongly worded emails – then hit them with the biggest petition they’ve ever seen.