Sometimes when I’m sitting in a swivel chair, I’ll turn around quickly and smile and pretend I’m in the opening credits of a sitcom
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Home Alone (1990)
A know-it-all, suburban elitist cruelly humiliates two economically anxious men, seeking to improve their lives
Waking up the guy next to me on the plane to tell him to tell the stewardess not to wake me when they come around with snacks
this is the most amazing image I’ve ever seen
Can’t believe there was a time someone had to make me take a nap.
The only thing left for CNN to do is drop Wolf Blitzer in the Indian Ocean and see how long it takes to find him.
What’s the difference between a lentil and a chickpea?
Trump wouldn’t pay $1000 to have a lentil on his face.
#watersportsgate #goldenshower
mom: no TV for a week!
dad: and after you take a bath you can’t use your hands to get out of the tub
*sons jaw drops*
mom: [whispers] nice
Cashier: how old r u?
Me:*holding beer nervously* uuh 21
Cashier:*shaking his head sadly as he pulls Trix out of my cart* Trix are for kids.
KANYE: I made Taylor Swift famous
TRUMP: We should ban all Muslims
KANYE: BILL COSBY INNOCENT
TRUMP: THE POPE SUCKS
KANYE: damn ur good
What do you call a priest that graduated from law school
Father in Law
[I see a bug outside] Nature is marvelous
[I see a bug inside] This must be the deliverer of my death
Her: No filter!
Me: Add one tho
My wife handles our kids like a boss. The only problem is she make me do it too 😂
I watched someone eat an unpeeled cucumber like an apple today. No, no, it’s even weirder than you imagine.
[Dentist chair]
Him: Lie back and open wide
Me: At least buy me dinner first
Him: *sigh* Please don’t tweet this
Me: *typing* Too late
Don’t call me a party animal then get upset that I pooped on your carpet.
If I had a time machine I’d alter the Big Bang Theory pilot episode so all the characters exploded in the very first scene
Some days I feel like my life is going super well, & then I get my hair caught in my umbrella.
And also my car door.
When you write a scene that finally fixes that one plot hole.
“Dad this is better than Applebee’s”
Well if you need me I will be over here filling out my MasterChef application.
Driving in Europe vs Canada
I’m getting to the age where I could be a cougar, but Wikipedia says cougars are “slender and agile” which pretty much rules that out.
I get it, Christmas tree. I too am better when I’m lit up.
[High school reunion]
Classmate: I’ve been out building schools in Africa
Me: I got banned from the zoo for gluing sideburns onto a dolphin
Today I learned my laser pointer can go all the way to the bar across the street.
Drunk people still think there’s a sniper somewhere.
[driver on opposite side of the road puts head lights on]
moth driving: omg
moth wife: Harold no we have a baby
moth baby: FLOOR IT DAD
{to my new cat} i need you to kill this rat. u are the king of the jungle. u got this homie
{after watching an episode of tom and jerry} forget everything i just said. stay away from that rat. he’s going to kill you with a piano.
On average, a person spends about 14 years of their life trying to open ketchup packets.
[girl chatting up guy at bar]
girl: so what do you do?
magician: i halve a girlfriend
The length of time toddlers stare at each other on the playground would get you stabbed if you did that shit as an adult.