Got my inhaler mixed up with my psychedelic frog and went on one hell of a wheezy ride.
Sometimes, when I’m washing my hair with coconut shampoo, I close my eyes and picture being on a remote tropical island, being cooked in a giant pot by canibals.
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Autocorrect just changed faux pas to faux pasta and this gluten war has gotten out of hand.
Teleportation seems like an awesome idea until Creepy Stan from down the street is suddenly washing your back in the shower.
Her: “Well, the horoscopes pretty much govern my life, I’m a sagittarius, what are you?”
Me: *halfway out the door* “Educated.”
Oh no, my kid got upset at me and locked himself in his room. What ever will I do. Margarita anyone?
STRANGER: she has a book. cute and smart
ME: [taking a bite of the small layer cake i made to look like a book]
STRANGER: a stunning genius
Dear Cool People, they didn’t name a candy after you, did they? Love, Nerds.
pineapples would be so much better if they didn’t eat you back.
My roommate wouldn’t let me name our wireless network ‘Bill Wi the Science Fi’ because he has no sense of humor.
Puts German chocolate in the fridge last night, this morning it’s taken over the area that the polish sausage was in..