Sometimes, when I’m washing my hair with coconut shampoo, I close my eyes and picture being on a remote tropical island, being cooked in a giant pot by canibals.
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Whoever speaks at my funeral will probably just look over at my casket and say “well, she was always kind of like this.”
It was the worst of times, it was the worst of times.
-2020
After seven years of marriage, I can always guess what’s bothering my wife. I’m never right, but I can always guess.
eye doctor: please read the top line
me: have you recently been injured in the workplace? do you lack legal represen— is this an ad
eye doctor: look, i need to make money somehow; keep reading
Neighbors across the street have their Christmas lights up, so I invited them to my Easter Egg hunt this afternoon.
When you turn 50, they change the lightbulb in your fridge to that memory eraser from Men in Black
Me: Hi, is this Chuck E Cheese?
How many kids do I need to have with me to be able to eat and play there?Chuck E. Cheese: Just one
Me: *opens door to white van* Get out Rebecca I don’t need you
[knocking on the castle door during a battle] My boss said you guys have to give all our arrows back now
Always live on the bottom floor it’s further from heaven and harder for God to see you sinning
Hoping to get “till death do us part” reduced to a 15 year sentence and time served.
Imagine if we didn’t have Google and still relied on encyclopedias to find out “Why poop green?”
Them: What’s your word for the year?
Me: Snacks.
that scene in doctor who where the doctor brings vincent van gogh to a 21st century exhibition of his work except he takes t.s. eliot to a screening of cats (2019)
Home buying tips:
-Up & coming area = Murders
-Good for young professional = Cheap bc of murders
-Open layout = See murders from the kitchen
If you ever hate someone, give their kid a whistle.
Bad Tweet? Just add Tequila!
Bad sex? Just add Tequila!
Bad day? Just add Tequila!
Bad driving? Just add Tequila… Wait, no. Maybe no.
Please take your Apple Watch off if you are wearing a dress or formal attire. You look like a spy kid
A dashcam video of a cop lip-syncing and dancing to a Taylor Swift song went viral, which is just one more reason to hate the police.
BRUCE WAYNE: [enters meeting room still wearing Batman cape] what’s first today?
NEW GUY: OMG Bruce Wayne is Bat-
INTERN: [covering new guy’s mouth] we pretend we don’t know
Putting peanut butter on all my fingers before I go to bed so I can have a snack later.
When you stub your toe but there are kids around.
He reacted like the people in those David Blaine street magic videos
Never look at the guy riding a unicycle, you’re giving him what he wants
who called it an infinity scarf instead of a scaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
Fitted sheet? You should see me try and fold a thong.
“Valentine’s Day is overrated and presents aren’t necessary to show love”
– *people who don’t get anything for Valentine’s Day
*me
[first day as a ninja]
me: *sneaking in*
him: I’ve been expecting you
me: how
him: dude, I heard the tic tacs rattling in your purse from a mile away is this your first day
signs you’re dating an angel:
– skin made of smooth marble
– thousands of eyes that emit lasers
– wings violently displace tons of air
– 13,000 trumpets constantly
– peaceful sense of impending doom
– giant chalice overflowing with acid
– texts you good morning
the pandemic has hit the spaghetti labor market especially hard
This checks out