cop: do you know why i pulled you over
cop: no it’s-
dog: [paws impatiently tapping wheel]
me: he says he wasn’t speeding
Sometimes when life closes one door it opens another, because apparently life is trying to air condition the whole damned neighborhood.
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“Are there drug dealers on Twitter?” Asking for 522 friends.
‘A 12 year old invented an app….No pressure though.’
(Me to my kids)
[Michael Cera being repeatedly asked by a librarian to speak up]
I hope George Clooney dumps his wife so he and Brad Pitt can finally be happy together.
ME: i’m depressed
FRIEND: cheer up essential oils will make you feel better
ME: *sprays him with pepper spray* hey it worked
me: how much for the dog bouquet
girl walking dogs: what
INTERVIEWER: When did u last work?
ME [shrugs] Months ago
INTERVIEWER: That’s a long time not to be employed
ME: Oh no I’m still employed
Virgo: Expect romance on the horizon. Do not expect it to ever come closer to you than that.
Oh, you said floppy DISK.
*pulls pants back up*
Yeah, I don’t know what that is.