Sometimes when life closes one door it opens another, because apparently life is trying to air condition the whole damned neighborhood.

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cop: do you know why i pulled you over

me: speeding?

cop: no it’s-

dog: [paws impatiently tapping wheel]

me: he says he wasn’t speeding


“Are there drug dealers on Twitter?” Asking for 522 friends.


‘A 12 year old invented an app….No pressure though.’

(Me to my kids)


[Michael Cera being repeatedly asked by a librarian to speak up]


I hope George Clooney dumps his wife so he and Brad Pitt can finally be happy together.


ME: i’m depressed

FRIEND: cheer up essential oils will make you feel better

ME: *sprays him with pepper spray* hey it worked


me: how much for the dog bouquet

girl walking dogs: what


INTERVIEWER: When did u last work?

ME [shrugs] Months ago

INTERVIEWER: That’s a long time not to be employed

ME: Oh no I’m still employed


Virgo: Expect romance on the horizon. Do not expect it to ever come closer to you than that.


Oh, you said floppy DISK.
*pulls pants back up*
Yeah, I don’t know what that is.