Sometimes when life closes one door it opens another, because apparently life is trying to air condition the whole damned neighborhood.
You Might Also Like
There’s a song playing in Panera that goes “I got your Christmas right here”, and this just sounds so aggressive to me .
Me: Could you tell me where the fitness center is located?
Flight attendant: Please return to your seat.
The “dining room”? Calm down, McDonald’s.
“Baby, I’m in the bedroom waiting for you”
Now I got your attention, let me show you a proper way to make the bed.
“dogs are better than cats they crap outside” yeah except if my cat has to crap at 1am he can just go but if my dog needs to I gotta get up out of bed and let him out like that is not superior
I’m deleting some dumb tweets.
I need all your passwords please.
‘All of me, loves all of you’
– John Legend.‘Some of me, loves some of you’
– John Average.
Sound smarter than you are: end words with “eaux” and sentences with “if you will.” If you’re pissed, “quite frankly” adds a nice touch.
grandma: more potatoes?
me: sure
*3 hours later*
grandma: *wiping sweat from her brow* more potatoes?
me: *locking eyes* sure
Girls greet each other normally the way I’d act if I saw a friend who I thought was dead.
*escorted from Starbucks
I SWEAR, I LEFT MY SCARF IN THE CAR!
Anyone know a good air guitar repair man?
I broke mine in the last battle.
what if superman felt the same way about kryptonite as dogs do about chocolate, and people always had to shoo him away from it like, “no, no kryptonite for you, bad superman”
When the police find my body naked and covered in chocolate, please tell them it was from a wildly kinky one night stand and not that I tripped over my cat on the way to bed with snacks
Oohh, you play bass, as in the guitar. I thought you played bass, like the fish. I would’ve paid to see that.
“Hey baby ditch the zero *stares silently until lenses transition into sunglasses* and get with the hero.”
Women always find me interesting and mysterious on the first date.
I knew that the fog machine under the table was a good idea!
all these boys want a goth girlfriend but don’t study the moves of one gomez addams.
Please send yard fairy. Or a genie. Or your firstborn. Anyone that will cut grass will do
me: do we have anything for a headache
wife: try the cupboard
me: won’t that get stuck in my throat
It’s never going to work out between Mario and the Princess. Most of the time she’s on a whole other level.
Got so drunk last night that I was able to translate three Pearl Jam albums into English
Anakin: I built my droid from scratch
Obi-Wan: You’re a prodigy, I bet you’ll use this skill your whole life
Anakin: Nah just until I win space NASCAR then never again lol
Crazy how women have the stereotype of being chatty when 90% of dudes have 45 minute podcasts that no one listens to…
my brain: you have over a thousand unread emails
me: yes
my brain: are you ever going to read them?
me: no
my brain: then delete them
me: no
Everyone on twitter is single, pretending to be single, or about to be single
I’ve learned a lot over the years, but the best advice I can ever give someone is never buy a used harmonica.
[ Playing with Ouija board ]
Ouija board: I have a boyfriend.
Sometimes I put my cat in the sunroom hoping the coyote who lives out back will charge at it and bounce off the glass.
<—- homeless romantic