Sometimes when my boyfriend makes a racist joke I am like Ugh why did I even imagine you?
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[wheel of fortune]
me: id like to buy a vowel
pat: arent u a millenial
me: [sigh] id like to rent a vowel
ME: Cauliflower is bullshit.
EXECUTIONER: Those are really gonna be your last words?
vampire waiter: would you like to order?
customer: I’ll have a steak
vampire waiter: [sweating nervously] what…wuddya need a stake for?
*hangs a note in my medicine cabinet* Mind Your Own Damn Business
Reports are indicating that Ivanka Trump may take on some roles of the First Lady. Still no word on who will handle the duties of President.
March 2020: I’m going to take this time and learn to paint.
November 2020: Wow. I didn’t think you could get to the end of Netflix.
“It’s Raining Men” is my favorite song about skydiving school.
Me: [walking through front door]
4: Is it storming outside?
Me: Yeah it is buddy.
4: Did you get hit by lighting?
Me: Nope I’m all safe-
4: Why not?
Last week a friend told me she’s looking forward to her toddler turning 3 because she’s tired of the defiant stage. I’m still laughing.
Screamed from the other room for somebody to bring me toilet paper only to be ignored.
Olive Garden wasn’t lying. When you’re here, you really are family.
4-year-old: Why does the dog pee on stuff?
Me: It’s like writing his name on it.
4: So I-
Me: YOU HAVE TO USE PENCILS.
[runs inside of a gas station]
“I NEED TO USE YOUR BATHROOM! IT’S AN EMERGENCY!”
*takes a selfie in the bathroom mirror for an IG # game
[day 8 of quarantine]
me: *hiding under the bed* too much family time
monster under the bed: lmao, why do u think im here
me:
monster under my mom’s bed: sweetie where’d you go? we’re gonna play monopoly again
monster under the bed: please don’t tell her im here
Shhh, turn out the lights and hide. My feelings are knocking on the door.
my girlfriend of the past 6 months said the time has come for her to release me into the wild. i have awoken groggy, somewhere in a jungle, and i can hear the sounds of insects, a rushing river, and some very persistent hooting noises off in the distance.
Fact: in the wild, gorillas can go hours without checking their phones for notifications.
I tried a little beginner’s yoga earlier. The ambulance should be here any minute.
People say having no friends as a child is bad but if I did have friends back then I would never have invented the frisbeerang.
Me: I made GORP for our hike
Her: peanut m&ms and miniature marshmallows
Me: yeah, in handy single servings
Her: they’re gallon ziplock bags
Prince Charming: yes she left her shoe now I can find her!
Friend: uh you can find her by recognising her face
Prince Charming:
Friend:
Prince Charming: she left her shoe
I appreciate the sun for always moving in the sky in a predictable way but I also respect the moon for just kind of doing whatever
It’s amazing how people will leave you alone if you just commit to faking a British accent all day
me: the wind blew off 3/4 of my roof
friend: oof
me: pretty much
I tried watching Inception with Twitter on. I still don’t know what Juno was doing in their dreams.
“Why do old people keep getting scammed by phone calls?” wonders a generation that just sent a headshot and access to the data stored on their iPhones to a company they’ve never heard of before
If monogamy is sex with only one person, what is origami?
*group chat*
Fellas, I think it’s time. I think I’m finally ready to be a dad.
[Tamagotchi has requested to join the chat]
Amazing how easily that guy scaled Trump Tower. Thank God u can’t get suction cups in Mexico cause then wall idea would be really stupid.
Cashier: How are you today?
Me: You too.
🤦🏻♂️
sometimes if i’m having trouble falling asleep i just pretend i’m watching lord of the rings