@CindyBegel

Sometimes when my cat is sitting on a chair, I sneak up, shake the chair hard, yelling, “EARTHQUAKE!” Sadly, like many, she’s not prepared

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@UncleDuke1969

ME: [knocks on ambulance window]
PARAMEDIC: Can I help you?
ME: Are you carrying a patient?
PARAMEDIC: Not at the moment.
ME: Mind if I nap on the stretcher?

@Parentpains

Some of you change your avi like I change my underwear. Every three days.

@Love_bug1016

Nothing says you’re failing as an Asian like your waiter discreetly handing you training chopsticks.

@DeanOkay

Drying out wet fireworks in the oven is not a good idea. Trust me on this

@drhappyknuckles

First they came for the fat, whiny losers, and I said nothing, because they got me immediately. I was like the first person they got.

@huntigula

Praying Mantis wife: Are u cheating on me?

Praying Mantis husband [his missing head replaced by a marble]: What on earth gave u that idea?

@LostFelicia

Someone’s overfeeding that damn cat.
I mean.. there’s something like Stonehenge in her litter box.

@DanaSchwartzzz

the best part of Fight Club is how some guys saw Edward Norton punching himself in a parking lot and thought “hell yeah i’m on board”

@DallyDoll

I was kicked out of the gym for arguing with my step aerobics instructor, but I don’t care. She’s not my real aerobics instructor.