@FeelingMervis

Sometimes when my gf is asleep, I like to sneak into the living room, put on her dress, and pretend I wear the pants in this relationship.

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@ClichedOut

HER: did u know dinosaurs can’t jump

ME: duh, they’re all dead, karen

@TitaniumToplass

use words like ‘perpendicular’ when you language at people so they think you is good with vocabularying

@Mardigroan

Luke, I am your uncle.
Luke, I am your third cousin.
Luke, I am your grandmother.

– Skywalker family reunion

@EmberToAsh

I saw my therapist’s notes and instead of using my name he just refers to me as “the combatant”

@Heldinchains

My kid just said his dinner tasted like cat litter.

Not sure if I should be offended or wonder how he knows what cat litter tastes like.

@NotMarkAllen

Netflix just asked me “Are you really going to eat that too?”