This is hilarious….
Sometimes when my gf is asleep, I like to sneak into the living room, put on her dress, and pretend I wear the pants in this relationship.
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[interrupts Pink Floyd]
“Actually, it’s AN education”
HER: did u know dinosaurs can’t jump
ME: duh, they’re all dead, karen
use words like ‘perpendicular’ when you language at people so they think you is good with vocabularying
Cow with a twitch, beef jerky.
Luke, I am your uncle.
Luke, I am your third cousin.
Luke, I am your grandmother.
– Skywalker family reunion
I saw my therapist’s notes and instead of using my name he just refers to me as “the combatant”
My kid just said his dinner tasted like cat litter.
Not sure if I should be offended or wonder how he knows what cat litter tastes like.
Netflix just asked me “Are you really going to eat that too?”