@chaddaniels34

Sometimes when my wife tells me she loves me I get the feeling it’s the tennis kind.

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@AnOrangeSNES

[Commercial for narrators]

Narrator: Don’t you wish someone would tell you important information in a soothing voice? NARRATORS

@abbycohenwl

[Buzzfeed for Cats]
6 THINGS THAT WILL MAKE U BOLT FROM THE ROOM
-Vacuum cleaner
-Walls
-The floor
-Air
-Yourself
-Nothing. Nothing at all

@urmumsausername

[speed dating, today]

him: hi I’m Steve, nice to meet you!

*her, sat like 12ft away*: what?

Steve: what?

@WheelTod

“SHOW US YOUR TITS!!,” I yell with excitement, as I elbow my way into the aviary.

@tastefactory

I left a trail of rose petals leading to the bed and on the bed was a note that said “This is what happens to roses who cross me”

@michimama75

“That’s how kids get money. Loose teeth and chores.” -6yo niece schooling 4 on the way the world works

@citizenkawala

Don’t act like you miss sex now, you weren’t getting laid before either.

@KizerBillhelm

*dies*
*gets to heaven*
*sees furries everywhere*
Me: What the…
Jeebus: Hell hath no furry, man
*laughs, puts on giraffe costume*

@djr_102

There’s an epidemic in Britain that makes vulnerable young women inexplicably attracted to douchebags who miss leg day.

@Voiceofgarth

I got kicked out of the hospital tonight. Apparently the sign “Stroke Patients Here” meant something different.