Sometimes when my wife tells me she loves me I get the feeling it’s the tennis kind.

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*my wife catches me in bed looking at an optical illusions book* HONEY, NO IT’S NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE


[being chased round my house by a murderer]


ME: [puts Fitbit on] Ok carry on


Gun people are always like “you can pry it out of my cold dead hands”

Why are you dead in your own story, must not be a very good gun


Just made an annoying kid shut right up by making a throat slash gesture.

So I guess you could say I’m like a child whisperer.


*died in your arms tonight*

*stuffed in your trunk tomorrow*

*buried in the woods the day after that*


When people are kissing in public, it’s weird how angry they get when you try and join in.


Just watched a guy walk out of the tanning place and immediately light a cigarette. Slow down, buddy. Don’t get all the cancer today!


its raining men! hallelu..*thud* omg are you ok? *thud* oh sweet jesus! *thud* *thud* oh the horror! *thud* WHY GOD? WHYYYY??


Research says that if you’re afraid of spiders, you’re most likely to find them in your bedroom. I’m afraid of men with accents so…


When witches and warlocks correspond about their carnal passions, they’re hexting