[Commercial for narrators]
Narrator: Don’t you wish someone would tell you important information in a soothing voice? NARRATORS
Sometimes when my wife tells me she loves me I get the feeling it’s the tennis kind.
You Might Also Like
[Buzzfeed for Cats]
6 THINGS THAT WILL MAKE U BOLT FROM THE ROOM
-Nothing. Nothing at all
[speed dating, today]
him: hi I’m Steve, nice to meet you!
*her, sat like 12ft away*: what?
“SHOW US YOUR TITS!!,” I yell with excitement, as I elbow my way into the aviary.
I left a trail of rose petals leading to the bed and on the bed was a note that said “This is what happens to roses who cross me”
“That’s how kids get money. Loose teeth and chores.” -6yo niece schooling 4 on the way the world works
Don’t act like you miss sex now, you weren’t getting laid before either.
*gets to heaven*
*sees furries everywhere*
Me: What the…
Jeebus: Hell hath no furry, man
*laughs, puts on giraffe costume*
There’s an epidemic in Britain that makes vulnerable young women inexplicably attracted to douchebags who miss leg day.
I got kicked out of the hospital tonight. Apparently the sign “Stroke Patients Here” meant something different.