Sometimes when my wife tells me she loves me I get the feeling it’s the tennis kind.
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I have such a bad cold that when I breathe through my nose, it sounds like Marge Simpson sighing/expressing disapproval.
No thanks, toilets that flush.
-kids
Yes, let’s group-edit this 3 page Word doc line-by-line on a conference call. That seems efficient.
[Jesus on the cross]
*texts with 1 hand* “um dad y hav u 4saken me wtf”
*5 hrs pass*
“new phone. who dis?”
I sure didn’t win the genetic lottery. I can eat healthy and diet for 6 months and lose 10 lbs. I eat like shit for 3 and a quarter days and gain 73
I admire my phone for not working when it gets too hot. I, too, sometimes feel that I’m so hot I shouldn’t have to work
Anti-gay preacher comes to Iceland. Locals buy all tickets to his event in Reykjavik, and then don’t turn up, leaving empty arena. Class.
I weighed myself today,
then I ate the scale.
Why didn’t they call it Guardians of the Galaxthree
me, in hell, wondering when my punishment will begin: i sure hope it’s not painful
the devil walks in & hands me a phone: your mom is on the line, you need to explain how to get her printer to work
I got fruit flies
they’re multiplying
and I’m losing control
cuz the bananas
my kids are supplying
they’re liquefying
What if the brown ones are just clear M&M’s
Ok I’ll come clean. When people say “asking for a friend,” they’re talking about me. I’m the friend. I have a lot of embarrassing questions.
If the final comments of your speech last 45 minutes, please don’t preface them with “and lastly”.
“Hey. My eye is up here.”
– hurricanes
Whoever designed toddlers really knew what they were doing. I left my 2yo alone for a minute and he completely trashed the room and when I walked in he just looked up at me all wide eyed with his arms out and goes, “What I dooed?”
Me: Time for school.
5-year-old: But we had three days off.
Me: So?
5: I can’t go back. I forgot everything.
Teachers don’t get paid enough.
A parade of slow walkers meander behind my car as I’m trying to pull out of the parking space.
I’m only up to Covid 15.
No Spoilers Please!
Cop: Tell me your alibi for last night, or you’re going to prison
Me (watched Fight Club with Voldemort): oh no
Girl: So, your dating profile says you enjoy long walks by the sea & making ur own wine?
Jesus: ON
Girl: What?
Jesus: Long walks ON the sea
When I was just little boy I asked my mother, what will I be? Will I be pretty? Will I be rich? And here’s what she said to me…
Maybe there is a secret third thing
My warrior status is dramatically reduced every time I check my phone to see what I ordered instead of opening the box.
Apparently changing the locks isn’t funny to my husband or my kids…but I gave my dog a new key.
I asked a millennial why she spent so much money on her wedding. She said you only get married once, then I laughed and laughed.
[crime scene]
*detective snaps pics of murder victim*
Corpse: delete it
Wife: The police are here asking about a break in at the pet store
Me from within a pile of puppies: Tell them I’m not here.
Me [proudly]: This is my son. He’s 10, a fine artist & great at math
Nurse: That’s a garbage can & your morphine drip is still attached