@chaddaniels34

Sometimes when my wife tells me she loves me I get the feeling it’s the tennis kind.

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@OBiiieeee

*my wife catches me in bed looking at an optical illusions book* HONEY, NO IT’S NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE

@ArfMeasures

[being chased round my house by a murderer]
ME: PLEASE STOP THIS IS SENSELESS

MURDERER: What?

ME: [puts Fitbit on] Ok carry on

@kibblesmith

Gun people are always like “you can pry it out of my cold dead hands”

Why are you dead in your own story, must not be a very good gun

@LuvPug

Just made an annoying kid shut right up by making a throat slash gesture.

So I guess you could say I’m like a child whisperer.

@fillthevacuum

*died in your arms tonight*

*stuffed in your trunk tomorrow*

*buried in the woods the day after that*

@Dawn_M_

When people are kissing in public, it’s weird how angry they get when you try and join in.

@SeeEllVee

Just watched a guy walk out of the tanning place and immediately light a cigarette. Slow down, buddy. Don’t get all the cancer today!

@sparklepants4

its raining men! hallelu..*thud* omg are you ok? *thud* oh sweet jesus! *thud* *thud* oh the horror! *thud* WHY GOD? WHYYYY??

@measday519

Research says that if you’re afraid of spiders, you’re most likely to find them in your bedroom. I’m afraid of men with accents so…

@ADHDeanASL

When witches and warlocks correspond about their carnal passions, they’re hexting