@MarcusTheToken

Sometimes when people talk to me, I scream and beat my chest. It not only establishes dominance, but tells them to go away.

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@Staggfilms

STARBUCKS BARISTA: I got a latte here for *squinting* Catheter Zebra Jokes?

CATHERINE ZETA-JONES: *sigh* That’s gotta be mine—

CATHETER ZEBRA JOKES: Hey not so fast, lady.

@_MustBeArkaydia

Twitter is all fun and games until you get that text asking what that tweet was about.

@PimpleEye

I always carry cake, just in case someone pulls a knife on me.

@NickSwardson

I’m behind 38 episodes of Game of Thrones. I’ll just jump in the new season and piece it all together. Should be fine.

@squirrel74wkgn

No one talks to you on the bus when you’re shaking a box of Milk Duds that your head phones are plugged into.

@briangaar

Son your teacher called, she said you wrote “AQUAMAN RULZ” all over your math test. [sigh] First of all, Aquaman doesnt have any good powers

@jamiesont

Millennials are so spoilt with their smartphones & tablets. All we had at their age was the ability to buy property in Central London.

@jinpaynus

I love Walmart because it’s the only place to buy movies that don’t exist

@AbbyHasIssues

I would like to think money won’t change me, but I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket and immediately bought name brand aluminum foil.