Sometimes when people talk to me, I scream and beat my chest. It not only establishes dominance, but tells them to go away.
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Why do people named Deborah go by “Deb” and never “bruh”
Paid $50 for a device that has a motion detector that emits a sound to scare off neighbor’s cat….she’s out there rubbing up against it now
Can’t believe there was a time someone had to make me take a nap.
No thanks, social drama. Puberty sucked enough the first time around.
People who think this giraffe is taking forever to give birth have never listened to my daughter tell a story.
I just watched the girl next to me google “lack toast and tolerant symptoms”
Symptoms: you have no toast but it’s totally tolerable.
HER: OMG Thats not going to fit
HIM: Just relax. I’ll go slow
HER: If you’re sure…
HIM: [severely damages surrounding cars while parking]
[Going to Starbucks for the first time]
*Ok be calm and ask for a Tall Latte as practised*
[a little later]
‘Hi can I have Lall Tatte?’
“Psst.. here’s what we should’ve said”
*my 3am brain waking me to replay an argument from 7 years ago
It’s funny how—especially in small towns—we think of lit porch lights as a symbol of welcoming. I leave mine on so the guy who paints himself purple won’t steal any more of my chairs.
In 1000 years, archaeologists will find tanning beds and think we fried people as punishments.
Sorry I headbutted you, I was gonna punch you but, I was holding wine.
People terrible at the sex should take notes from dentists & give out goody bags. It’s like yeah that was all uncomfortable but here’s some goodies so you’ll hit me up again.
6 year old: Daddy, what if the plane goes down? Me: Don’t worry, your mom is with us. She never goes down. 6 year old: What? Me: Want candy?
Just saw a large group of 20 yr olds saying a blessing before eating.
Then I realized they were all just looking at their phones.
I didn’t spend 8 years designing this hotel so I could listen to a bunch of touristy complaints about the small cameras inside the toilets.
My boss accused me of sticking my finger in his BD cake in the break room fridge, but he is completely wrong, it wasn’t my finger.
Number of times my dog has puked on:
the tile floor: 0
the carpet: 3,290
Horrifying if literal: a handbag
I’m really glad my dog doesn’t tell anyone about the conversations we have together. Then people would really think I’m crazy.
The Sound of Music taught me if you don’t like your country’s regime, you & your family can safely escape through various musical numbers.
If dolphins are so smart why do they still live in the water
when you try to think up jokes about boxing, the punchlines write themselves
[Lois & Superman’s first date]
Superman: You look beautiful, Loren.
Lois: What? Who’s Loren?!
*Superman flies around the earth and reverses time*
Superman: You look beautiful, Lois.
Bruce Wayne: hey, how would you like to take a ride in my batmobi—I mean…brucemobile?
Date: uhh
Bruce: my regular normal carmobile
brain: did we get anything done this weekend?
me: no
brain: ok then at least we relaxed
me: somehow also no
I bet no one’s had as many concussions as the guy who invented nunchucks.
If you’re not supposed to have sex in an elevator, why are the ceilings mirrored?
Now security is showing me out.
Some of y’all need Jesus and I say this as an atheist
Just had a drink at an airport Bubba Gump Shrimp Co and I’m appalled they don’t have a cocktail named Rum Forrest Rum.