Sometimes when people talk to me, I scream and beat my chest. It not only establishes dominance, but tells them to go away.

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STARBUCKS BARISTA: I got a latte here for *squinting* Catheter Zebra Jokes?

CATHERINE ZETA-JONES: *sigh* That’s gotta be mine—

CATHETER ZEBRA JOKES: Hey not so fast, lady.


Twitter is all fun and games until you get that text asking what that tweet was about.


I always carry cake, just in case someone pulls a knife on me.


I’m behind 38 episodes of Game of Thrones. I’ll just jump in the new season and piece it all together. Should be fine.


No one talks to you on the bus when you’re shaking a box of Milk Duds that your head phones are plugged into.


Son your teacher called, she said you wrote “AQUAMAN RULZ” all over your math test. [sigh] First of all, Aquaman doesnt have any good powers


Millennials are so spoilt with their smartphones & tablets. All we had at their age was the ability to buy property in Central London.


I love Walmart because it’s the only place to buy movies that don’t exist


I would like to think money won’t change me, but I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket and immediately bought name brand aluminum foil.