Sometimes when people talk to me, I scream and beat my chest. It not only establishes dominance, but tells them to go away.
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A sitcom about teen girl aliens called UFOMG.
If you’re feeling butterflies in your stomach, go make yourself a sandwich. It’s called being hungry.
Top prank: when your friend falls asleep, place his hand in a bowl of warm water so he wakes up with one regular hand & one wrinkly one.
Years ago I tried on my sister’s bra, couldn’t undo the clasp & was too embarrassed to ask for help. I’m still wearing it. I live in shame.
Friend: Wanna go out with me for a beer?
Me: I’ll go out with you *finger guns* for free
What the dentist sees
Turns out pizza has everything I’m looking for in a woman
Why non-smokers don’t take bubble blowing breaks is beyond me
The most difficult part about taking a personality test is deciding which personality should take it.
You bring home one goat and suddenly you’re not allowed to go to the farmers market unsupervised anymore.
So I have one coworker who uses “irregardless” and another who uses “unappropriate” and now I’m over trying to conversate with these people.
Be the change you’re looking for
between the couch cushions.
him: does this pillow feel lumpy
me: [sneaking a handful of shredded cheese out of the pillowcase] seems fine to me
“sir we don’t hire people to be mannequins”
Me:*strikes mannequin pose*
“No, sir we don-”
M:*new pose*
[under breath] “damn this guys good”
[ during sex ]
Can we make a food baby? I’m hungry.
wonder why hedge mazes fell out of fashion? we need to get to the centre of this issue.
Boss: Can I have a word with you?
Me: umbrella
Nobody talks about Jesus’ miracle of having 12 close friends in his 30s
I can understand your anger at me, but what could you possibly have against the horse I rode in on?
Interviewer: So, what makes you think you’re a good candidate for this Automotive Shop?
Me: I tire easily.
We’re living in two Stephen King novels. The Dead Zone and The Stand. If clowns show up I’m done.
My nickname in high school was “who?”
I didn’t get you a gift bag, I LENT you a gift bag. Now get your crap out of it and give it back without any crinkles.
Signature Move
The best writer’s defense is a good writer’s offense
[highspeed chase]
ANCIENT GREEK COP: Damn they’re getting away *turns on Siren*
[several nearby ships are lured to their doom]
I’m an early bird and a night owl, so I’m basically some form of permanently exhausted pigeon
BREAKING NEWS:
Sting has been kidnapped.The Police have no lead.
Batman cuts off a seemingly innocuous driver in the Batmobile, only to deal with the driver later, with the help of Superman #ChangingBanes
[watching the Lord of the Rings]
Me: who do you think is more powerful Gandalf or Sauron?
Wife: Sauron’s Wife.
Me: but he’s not married lol.
Wife: then why does he spend 3 movies frantically searching for his lost ring?
Me:
Wife: he’s definitely scared to tell his wife.