Sometimes words are just not enough
And for such occasions, I have this flamethrower
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GOP threatens to shutdown government unless Obama changes color of skin.
Grease is my favourite film about a group of high-school kids who have been kept back for 17 years
Jesus: Honor my sacrifice by refusing meat on all holy days and each Friday.
John the fisherman: *slides Jesus $20*
Jesus: Also, Fish isn’t meat.
sober: damn im too lazy to make any food tonight
after two beers: it’s time to cook all the spaghetti in my kitchen
“Your highness, an egg has fallen off a wall”
“Send all my men”
“But excellency I…”
“And all of my horses too”
“I don’t…”
“ALL OF THEM!”
Did it again.
Ticked the wrong box in an online survey and I’m now officially in the Sugababes
Is it wrong to make change from the collection plate? Asking for a friend.
Sharks just aren’t eating enough people.
My 4-year-old is playing doctor with her baby dolls.
She walked by a minute ago holding just a leg.
Surgery didn’t go well.
ME: *as a surgeon* What’s the worst that could happen? Your nose buzzes & we put all the pieces back & start over…Where are you going?
me: i’m not afraid of death
[2 mins later : stubs toe]
also me: OMG I’M DYING
ME: They call me Mr Universe
DATE: You workout?
ME: I’m constantly expanding
My first job in retail taught me that the customer is always right. Until they’re out of earshot.
Twitter is a good place to meet men. The odds are good but the goods are odd.
Losing my mind over the idea that pigeons existed before cities. Like can you imagine pigeons just hanging out in a forest? Eating bugs instead of gutter bagels? I personally just don’t buy it.
A male president? What if he gets a BONER and it presses the button to launch all the nukes
Hot singles over 40 in your area are curious what you use for joint pain and inflammation.
protagonist: tag you’re it
antagonist: no you’re it
pennywise: are you kidding me?
Date : So you’re the youngest of three?
Me : Yep, my parents are both older.
BOSS: I have some tough news
INVISIBLE MAN: Go on
BOSS: HR says we need to hire more “Visible” minorities
INVISIBLE MAN: This is bullshit
80% of marriage is pointedly yelling an irritated “WHAT?!” to make your spouse understand that there’s no chance in hell you can hear what s/he’s saying from five rooms away, around three corners, down two hallways, and over the cacophonous screams of hyper children.
Boss: You gonna get any work done today?
Me: Sorry Boss, I was up late watching the game, I’ll pick it up.
B: Who won?
M: Jack Daniels
“Hello, Pizza Hut”
Hi, how many slices are on a large pizza?
“eight”
And a medium?
“eight”
*long pause* I’d like to speak with your manager
You going to eat those sausages?
– What?
The encased meats. Do you want them?
– Those are my fingers.
Oh, no thanks, I’m not there yet.
Boss: Remember to only use your new laptop for job related things
Me: [Using laptop to search for a new job]
[baby takes its first steps]
me in a cop outfit: not even close to a straight line buddy, you’re going away for a long long time.
I’ve never got out of a straight jacket but I did once get out of my sleeping bag whilst drunk and I’ve got to assume it’s roughly the same skill set
I haven’t seen a kid on a leash in a while. I guess parents started releasing them back into the wild.
These baby cardinals are thugs. They muscle all the other birds away from the feeder. I saw one put out a cigarette in a blue jay’s eye.
her: I can’t believe you’ve eaten all the Halloween candy
me: it’s not October 31 so it’s just candy
her: either way you’re not leaving the store until you’ve paid for it