6yo: I got dressed, took my vitamins and got my cereal.
Me: My baby is all grown up, she doesn’t need me anymore! [Sobbing]
6yo: Ummmm well I still can’t spell supercalifragilisticexpialidocious!
Me: ᴺᵉᶦᵗʰᵉʳ ᶜᵃⁿ ᴵ [sobbing]
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I’ve gained so much weight during this time off, my dating profile just matched me with a refrigerator.
Hubs: Is that the same oreo as before?
3yo: No.
Hubs: Is that a new one?
3yo: Yes.
Hubs: Are you hiding them around the house?
3yo: …Yes.
“That’ll be $19.94.”
*pulls out $50 bill*
“Sorry, we’ve had a problem with counterfeit bills. Have anything smaller?”
*pulls out $25 bill*
ME: I’m much better thinking outside the box
PRISON GUARD: Still no
The safest place to sit in the park is actually on the rollercoaster we bought piece by piece on eBay
A lot of people get scared when they watch movies. Not me. I know the lion at the start is just a logo.
I can do 50-100 pushups depending on how many weeks you give me.
My 4 year old just said, “if you give me gold fish this will be a lot easier for you”
Don’t you want this to be easier for you?
-Gangster – level 3
public defender: if we get the wooden hammer away from the judge we win
Carl: So hot today.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: During WW II, Americans tried to train bats to drop bombs.
Me: Fair enough.
Did my child attempt to cross the Sahara desert, and collapse, unable to make it? Or did they struggle to throw a wrapper in the kitchen trash? It’s impossible to tell.
Anyone know how to create an Outlook rule that sends every email to junk, deletes it, blocks the sender, and sets my laptop on fire?
If I ever had an out-of-body experience I would at least insist upon an upgrade upon my return.
Making reservations for one at a fancy restaurant because every now and then, I like to be wined and dined before I take advantage of myself
One thing I have noticed about getting older is having to stop for a short nap halfway through scrolling down to my year of birth when completing online forms.
Tiny naps between my naps I call napkins.
I bought my dad some mugs with little ceramic doggos at the bottom. He just handed me coffee, but, ‘I can’t fill it up more than that or the dog will drown.’
If the virus can keep becoming a new version of itself so can you.
Breaking the little-known 11th Commandment – thou shalt not covet thy neighbours baguette. Exodus 20:17.
I’m so sick of answering questions about the age difference between my kids, so I’ve started telling people the oldest one came with the house.
I saw my lawyer at the grocery store but I didn’t speak to him because I didn’t have $300 on me.
Such a double standard between men & women, like when men have sex with lots of women they’re “players,” but when I do it I’m a “lesbian.”
You take the garbage out and forget to put a new liner in the kitchen trash can and your family throws garbage in anyway because team work.
Imagine kissing a frog and it turns into a Prince. Like, great, now I gotta go find another sexy frog
[ Quarantine week 2 ]
We want to become self-sufficient so we planted our own tater tot tree.
So Mother Theresa puts a dish towel on her head and she’s a “saint” but when I put a dish towel on MY head I’m “drunk in the kitchen again?”
shoutout to the guy who invented the term “water resistant”. a true hall of fame lie
I love when my husband says, “correct me if I’m wrong,” like I would pass up that opportunity.
It’s like you don’t appreciate this bag of toenails and I can’t deal with this right now.