I wore red lipstick today and my 4 year old, while wearing his underpants inside out, boldly informed me that I look like the Joker
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I only do cardio because it’s impossible to stalk someone you can’t keep up with.
When I was a kid there were two ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents.
Me: The dog’s eaten the remote control
Wife: Then get another one[later]
Wife: Change the channel
Me *petting 2 dogs* how?
if Yoda asks for chocolate milk, do you get him a drink or a candy bar???
only targaryens can ride dragons?
explain this game of thrones
I blame movies for giving me unrealistic expectations about how long I can look away from the road while driving.
My friends tinder conversation PLEASE ✋🏼😭😭😭
I became a Veterinary Assistant because I’m always covered in dog hair and wear pajamas all day anyway
I love the word placebo, but it lacks something
A search party sounds like a fun way to look for someone.
wife: everyone at buffalo wild wings is staring at you
me: i’m sorry if i like using a fork and knife
wife: on your coke though?
Wow, what a moving acceptance speech from John Lithgow:
my new yoga pose is called the lounging hippopotamus
Him: What are you watching?
Me: Um, it’s like a foreign documentary
Him: What’s it called?
Me: I don’t actually remember
Him: Is it 90 Day Fiancé?
Me: yeah
Calm down mechanic guy. Just here for an oil change. If I wanted to know about all the other shit wrong with my car I’d turn the radio down.
FACT: Had kids for one reason; to send them to the basement for paper towels when I run out of them in the kitchen. It’s scary down there.
The reason cats are so pissy is they’re God’s perfect killing machines but they only weigh 8lbs and we keep picking them up and kissing them
Fun fact: dinosaurs are divided into two main groups, “lizard-hipped” species like Apatosaurus and “bird-hipped” species like Stegosaurus
NOT FUN AT ALL fact: actual birds are considered lizard-hipped
She was a fax machine
She kept her modem clean
She was the best damn printer that I’ve ever seen
[first day as car salesman]
Customer: electric windows?
Me, taps window: glass
Customer: break horse power?
Me: oh yeah, this will smash a horse to bits
Customer: 4 wheel drive?
Me, quickly counts: yup
Customer: manual?
Me: in the glove box
Never once in my life have I found a pen when I need it, so please explain to me why my toddler always has a pen in her hands.
a haunted house called blood bath & beyond
[zoo]
ME: Haha…this one’s face!
WIFE: Tha-
M [bangs on glass]
W: Stop it
M [pulls funny face]
W [elbows me aside] So sorry, 2 tickets pls
Are we not gonna talk about how Edward Scissorhands’ mom had sex with a cutlery drawer?
i think i’m too much of a lesbian at this point. i was doing the crossword this morning and the clue was “Suck it!” and i had STRA_…my mind, uh, did not go to “straw”
Saw a billboard that said “if you can plan a wedding, you can plan for a natural disaster” and like, aren’t those the same thing?
There are 3 certainties in life
-death
-taxes
-anxiety anytime someone asks me what I’ve been up to
Another wedding, another chance to show the family I still have a drinking problem.
[after plane flies upside down for a full minute]
pilot: sorry about that turbulence folks i was having a nightmare