If Michael Jackson wasn’t buried in his Thriller outfit, who will teach the zombies to dance in the upcoming apocalypse.
Sometimes you can’t just tell your kids to make good choices, you have to show them.
Which is why I’m having strawberry toaster strudel and carrot cake for breakfast.
Eat your fruits and veggies kids!
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Person: *wearing cargo shorts*
Kangaroo: that guy must have a lot of babies.
Age 17: I can’t wait to travel the world!
Age 37: Feeling kind of adventurous. Might go to the “good” grocery store 15 miles away.
Stop correcting my vodkabulary
Chicken Pot Pie sounds like a delicious 3 course meal.
STARBUCKS BARISTA: I got a latte here for *squinting* Catheter Zebra Jokes?
CATHERINE ZETA-JONES: *sigh* That’s gotta be mine—
CATHETER ZEBRA JOKES: Hey not so fast, lady.
The world is my oyster. Expensive and gross.
I’m 84% less productive in a swivel chair.
*quits Twitter to spend time with family*
*remembers what family is like*
*quits family for Twitter*
If I liked one of your pics from 12 weeks ago, doesn’t mean I’m stalking you…It just means you haven’t looked nice in awhile