I found a voodoo doll covered with pins on my doorstep. Too bad their plan backfired. They used an acupuncture technique and I’m feeling better than ever.
You Might Also Like
me: here is a list of Adult Swim cartoon characters I’m attracted to
therapist: can we talk about your depression?
me: we are
“Look we LOVE the script for ‘Murder Bees’, just change the name to ‘My Girl’ and you’ve got yourself a movie!!”
[date night]
me: you know it was pretty hard to get a table here
gf: we are in your apartment
me: you gotta carry it up like 4 flights of stairs then turn it sideways to get it through the door
Me- Can I borrow a screwdriver? Neighbor- Phillips or regular? Me- Grey Goose and Tropicana
Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.
Sorry, the dog stood on my keyboard and liked that Instagram photo of you from 47 weeks ago.
I hate it when I forget to bring my phone in the car and have to read a shampoo bottle while I drive.
I should start carrying a pool noodle in my car and randomly smack cars when stuck in traffic
Once I’ve made up my mind about something, there’s no stopping me
from second guessing myself.
The ironic thing about the original Scooby Doo adventures was that the only real supernatural phenomena they encountered was a TALKING DOG.
For Sale : Used Facebook account ~ get up to the minute weather forecast, religious counseling and countless pictures of Jenny’s cat.
I just wish I was rich enough to be able to throw all of the pots and pans away after I cook.
A man started choking in the line at Wendys today. Luckily the manager jumped into action… And opened another register
How did you spend your dinner break, Jamie? Just drawing a reverse centaur so everyone can see how horrible they are
Let me get this straight: Rumpelstiltskin gives you a ton of gold, saves your life, AND takes your first born off your hands and he’s a bad guy?
men r from mars , women r frm venus , neither are capable of reproducton or space travel so species dies out [RECALIBRATE SIMULATION?] <Y/N>
People who prefer ketchup over mustard are annoying because as soon as you say you like mustard, they go on and on about how much they hate it. Like, okay. You have the same flavor palette you had when you were 5 but that doesn’t mean you should insult what I put in my coffee.
1) In the interest of time, would ye noble patriots please provide a list of infractions punishable by spontaneous public execution? Thanks!
DOCTOR: im writing u a prescription
ME: [winking] nice thanks doc i wont tell anyone
DOCTOR: again, this is totally legal
ME: shh be cool
Some of y’all tweet about Mondays like it caught you by surprise
My boyfriend is so rude. He hasn’t even introduced himself to me yet.
Waved to my ex today, next time I might use all my fingers
When my sister in-law was a waitress in Canada, she was taking drink orders from a group of Americans. They each ordered a glass of red wine. She suggested they choose a LITRE instead. They spoke among themselves and one man put up his hand and said – “I’ll be the leader.”
netflix is definitely the most insecure of all the streaming services like be chill bb.
[driving home from a party]
MRS. ELEPHANT: you’re still upset aren’t you
MR. ELEPHANT: i can’t believe they just ignored us like that
MRS. ELEPHANT: they aren’t worth it, just forget it
MR. ELEPHANT: *slams steering wheel* you know I can’t do that linda
They invented ceiling fans after a bunch of people got their legs cut off by floor fans.
why yes i studied sports medicine at the university of phoenix. *puts stethoscope on basketball, nods*
Me: when I grow up, I want to be an astronaut
Dad: to find all the undiscovered wonders of the universe?
Me (thinking about the many breeds of space dog I haven’t pet): yes, exactly
*Someone sends me a 4 minute video*
me: [42 seconds later] wow that’s so awesome thanks for sharing!