Sometimes you don’t realize how much you say “ooh la la” till they play your 911 call on the local news

You Might Also Like


If you like someone and don’t know if they like you, just sue them and then ask them under oath if they think you’re cute.


Me: *writhing sexily* So, you hot and bothered yet?

Wife: I’m definitely bothered


If you carry a knife in your mouth, people wont ask you what your Valentines Day plans are.


God: “Adam looks kind of lonely down there. What should I do?”

Frog: “ribbit”

God: “haha, alright man”


Remember kids, it’s not a true burn if there are grammatical errors.


Social services would take the kids away if they saw my house right now. Does anyone have their phone number?


Some people say they don’t know what to do with their hands in pictures.

I still haven’t figured out what to do with my face.


ME: i’ve been feeling sick lately

FRIEND: maybe you should see a doctor

ME: *google image searches “doctor”* haha you’re right, they look awesome


I was in a band called Click Bait. You won’t believe the kind of music we recorded. Track number 5 will blow your mind.


Kinda thick horizontal curvy line, two thinner curvy vertical lines, squiggly line, different thicker squiggly line

-Japanese spelling bee