@HelloCullen

Sometimes you don’t realize how much you say “ooh la la” till they play your 911 call on the local news

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@KevinFarzad

If you like someone and don’t know if they like you, just sue them and then ask them under oath if they think you’re cute.

@ThugRaccoons

Me: *writhing sexily* So, you hot and bothered yet?

Wife: I’m definitely bothered

@Dawn_M_

If you carry a knife in your mouth, people wont ask you what your Valentines Day plans are.

@HavocMantis

God: “Adam looks kind of lonely down there. What should I do?”

Frog: “ribbit”

God: “haha, alright man”

@heatherlou_

Remember kids, it’s not a true burn if there are grammatical errors.

@Goggner

Social services would take the kids away if they saw my house right now. Does anyone have their phone number?

@AngelaEhh

Some people say they don’t know what to do with their hands in pictures.

I still haven’t figured out what to do with my face.

@TheHyyyype

ME: i’ve been feeling sick lately

FRIEND: maybe you should see a doctor

ME: *google image searches “doctor”* haha you’re right, they look awesome

@coketruck76

I was in a band called Click Bait. You won’t believe the kind of music we recorded. Track number 5 will blow your mind.

@SteveSuckington

Kinda thick horizontal curvy line, two thinner curvy vertical lines, squiggly line, different thicker squiggly line

-Japanese spelling bee