Sleeping Beauty is my favorite Disney movie where the curse sounds amazing.
You Might Also Like
*Opening presents
1986: Please be a crossbow! Please be a crossbow!
2016: Please be a crossbow! Please be a crossbow!
You never feel as old as when you’re scrolling down to find your birth year
ROBBER: [looking through a drawer]
ME: [coming downstairs with a hockey stick]
ROBBER: [putting hands up] I’ll leave please don’t hurt me-
ME: Oh my god please don’t tell my wife I’m going to play 2 am hockey
“What do your tattoos mean?” That I had $200 and no one stopped me
[first date]
“You’re not into anything weird right?”
-not at all
*gestures to my ferret army to fall back*
If you invite me, you invite my xylophone too.
I got a new vacuum but I can’t vacuum because I don’t want to dirty my new vacuum so yeah I know a thing or two about grown up problems
If I was ever told to “dress to impress” my first thought would be to get the Batman suit out
I have Tourettes syndrome, but instead of swearing, I yell out movies that Nicolas Cage has been in
I once spent some time with my grandson’s second grade class so I think I have a pretty good idea of how government works.
If you think walking on eggshells is bad, try chewing them.
Nothing says, “I have a lot of free time,” more than someone eating a pomegranate.
Based upon recent baking experience I have concluded that a loaf of bread should cost $75.
A cheetah stalking its prey would be jealous of the way I pounce on the Skip Ad button on YT once the 5 seconds are up.
“If decorative towels can be a thing then decorative grills can be a thing”
~Me buying a cool looking copper charcoal grill that I don’t really need.
Zen master: Why are you still tweeting? The validation isn’t real.
Me: Neither are you.
Zen master: Oh bugger.
people always love to claim that a celebrity’s death is “unexpected” but they never actually release the data on which celebrities they expected to die that day
Lost my chapstick today, but a few hours later I found one on the floor of a men’s room at an interstate rest-area. Looks like my luck is finally turning around.
Jealous that my phone can just die for a little while
Tattoos are a nice way to forever honor loved ones, like family members who have passed away, or skulls with bat wings that have passed away
When the inventor of the USB stick dies they’ll gently lower the coffin, then pull it back up, turn it the other way, then lower it again.
heavy rain in Los Angeles is a great way to find out that every roof in the city has apparently been purely decorative this entire time
Why are government cars always in a hurry!! That sense of urgency is not reflected anywhere in their official duties.
PETA wants us to stop using animal slogans
such as “bring home the bacon”They’d have us say “bring home the bagels”
That suggestion has holes in it.
Me to the ice maker: Can I please just have a few cub-
Ice dispenser: YOU MUST SACRIFICE 20 CUBES TO THE FLOOR GOD!!!
There’s no human I hate more than the attendant in the bathroom at bars. Bro, I can handle this portion of my day ASSISTANCE FREE.
Firing squad leader: Any last words?
Me: I’d like to thank my arms for always being by my side haha
Firing squad leader: ok we’re gonna somehow try to kill you twice
Everything I learned about the Kardashians, I learned against my will.
ANGEL: *creates alligator*
ANGEL’S BROTHER: *creates crocodile*A: *creates dolphin*
AB: *creates porpoise*A: *creates llama*
AB: *creates alpaca*A: *creates ostrich*
AB: *creates emu*A: quit copying me
AB: qUiT cOpYiNg mEA: i’m telling god
AB: i’M TeLLiNg gOd