Then suddenly you’re a mom declaring ownership over swept dirt on the kitchen floor yelling DON’T YOU DARE WALK THROUGH MY DIRT PILE
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Wife: What kind of pants should I wear on the boat?
Inventor of the Kayak: What if the boat WAS your pants?!
If you introduce yourself as Sal, just know that I will be disappointed when you reveal that’s NOT short for Salami
Cut out the middleman and throw all your food right into the whiskey.
I’m tired of conventional beauty standards that say I can’t wear a ski mask in a bank
I am calling on public libraries to ban the books that i borrowed that i lost. we don’t need that kind of crap in the libraries.
Burn microwave popcorn in the lunch room to establish dominance.
My wife has been leaving jewelry catalogs all over the house.
So, Ive taken the hint.
Got her a magazine rack!
He just always looks at me like I’ve wronged him
[waking up in a ice-filled bathtub with a fresh wound across my abdomen] oh Jesus God no, somebody took my wolves
God: Build me an ark.
Noah: A what?
God *pinching his nose*: A big boat.
Noah *looking around the desert*: A what?
Hey girl, are you an extraterrestrial? Because your man’s out here denying you exist.
Show me a parent who has given 2 choices for dinner & I’ll show you a kid who picks something that wasn’t even an option
[feudal japan]
ME: we are disgraced! we must commit sudokuOTHER SAMURAI: *disemboweling himself* it’s called seppuku
ME: *sharpening pencil* you do you buddy
Don’t you just love arts and crafts?
Doctor: You’re sick
Me: Yeah?
Doctor: *heelying away* But not sick enough
Me: Awww
Fun prank: ONLY explain gay marriage to your kids and then watch other people try to explain their weird straight marriages.
I’ve seen such a change in myself this past year. I’ve really grown a lot. I need bigger pants
ME: *coughs up a hairball* sorry about that
BARBER: wow how much did you eat
How do typists like their apple pie?
With a little bit of qwerty cream.
I see all my neighbors out there mowing their lawns and I wonder if they’d come do mine also.
It absolutely scares me to death that I’M the voice of reason in this house.
reporter: tell us how you thwarted the robbery
me: [shrugs] he told us to put our hands where he could see them so I put them over his eyes
Overheard:
“Why is this guy listening to our conversation?”
[Calling concert venues across the country]
Hi yes, I’m just calling to let you know that on your website you spelled “weekend” incorrectly
I love that we have computers and the Internet now, it’s much easier to publish a study, I just published one about bacon being a super food with all the vitamins and nutrients as kale but much better tasting.
thanks, but I’M TOO FAR AWAY FOR YOU TO BE HOLDING THE DOOR OPEN FOR ME WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS STOP IT
I gotta work tomorrow? like, my job??? I have had 17 straight days off you expect me to remember what it is I do for a living
a black mirror episode where u text someone and they screenshot it for 27.9m ppl
“Its swimsuit season” i say, eating another swimsuit
cashier, scanning alcohol: ID please
my dad, every single time: [pointing to me] here’s my ID. heh