Sometimes you have to stop tweeting to have an alibi for ignoring texts.
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Made it to the level of old where I turned down a beer so it wouldn’t mess with the aftertaste of the milkshake I just had.
I got out of bed this morning and decided it was time to turn it around. So, I did a 180 and went back to bed.
[Christina Aguilera begins singing the lyrics ‘You Are Beautiful’ at her concert, notices me in the audience, and abruptly stops]
Girl: Hi
Guy: Hey
Girl brain: What did he mean? Is he in love with me? I need to analyze this for hours with my gfs
Guy brain: I’d do her
I always keep a water spray bottle next to my bed in case a cat burglar breaks in.
*filling plastic bags with electricity for my Tesla*
You can pick your friends, you can pick your nose, you can cry when the girl you used to babysit gets engaged before you do.
I will do some shady shit for a mocha.
Thank goodness I have DoorDash for that!
[first day as a vampire]
*squirts ranch on your neck*
Why did Shrek use the song “I’m a Believer” and not “It Must Have Been Love (But It’s Ogre Now).”
Is there a term for when you unlock your car but you get caught talking to a coworker in the parking lot and the car re-locks itself before you open the door but when you park at home and forget to lock it it stays unlocked?
“Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels.”
That’s a cute saying, Janet, but have you had carbohydrates?
Sit. Down.
My son just asked me to buy a book for school that he needs to read by tomorrow.
Now I need to go hide all my procrastination awards before I yell at him for procrastinating.
[gets invited to a party where kids are welcome]
*me to my baby goat* This is your moment to shine!
Am I unemployed … or just playing hard to get with capitalism
Got a hot new neighbor, I finally have something to look at with my night vision goggles besides raccoons.
Don’t forget when you’re tanning nude in your backyard that someone is zooming in on you from google earth satellite. You’re welcome.
If you know a girl who uses metric I’d love to meter.
roman soldier: “jesus has been crucified as instructed”
emperor: “he is dead?”
roman soldier: “yes my liege”
[3 days later]
emperor: “dave, can i have a word?”
People think doing meth makes you lose weight but actually it’s the climbing buildings and ripping out the plumbing
I love the Olympics, but missing Dateline due to the Olympics sucks. One of these athletes better end up being a serial killer or something.
Me: So are we putting the soy milk with an expiration date of October 31, 2021 back in the fridge or…
Wife: No it’s ok it’s only the ‘best by’ date
Fortune teller: Your love life will–
Me: Never mind that. Will I ever have a tweet go viral?
Me: if I told you that you have a beautiful body, would you hold it against me?
Funeral Director: Please leave sir
I JUST WANT A JOB WHERE I CAN SIT ABSOLUTELY STILL AND IF ANYONE DISTURBS ME I GET TO SCREAM
friend: look how big my new plant is getting!
me: oh wow, if you think that’s big you should see some of the ones outside has
Batgirl: I have a riddle for you, Riddler.
Riddler: Oh?
B: Notice anything different about me?
R:
R: *jumps to his death from 46th-floor window*
Me: *sees someone coming down hallway*
Them: Aimee! Hey!
Me: *turns and presses face against wall*
Them: Aimee?
Me: *closes eyes*
Kids got tired of fighting in the house and online, so we got a pool.
Thanks, meeting venue that turns off the AC in the restrooms–I love emerging from taking a dump looking like I just ran a marathon!