[End of day 1, building Rome]
Builder: We’ve finished, boss
Boss: For God’s sake, keep your voice down, we can drag this job out for weeks
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I just referred to a toothpick as “one of those stabby things” sooooo no more dateline for me.
Judging by all the cracking and popping noises my body makes when I work out, I’d say I’m about 74% Rice Krispies.
Body: ok sleepy time.
Brain: ok thinky time.
i’m boycotting girl scout cookies until they’re honest enough to list the serving size as “sleeve”
Damn girl, are you chocolate? Because I love you but you killed my dog.
New Yorkers were told they couldn’t bring their dog on the subway unless they fit inside a bag. It turns out that is quite a big loophole when you think about it
You could never commit the JFK assassination today. You’d be cancelled
Watching drunk twins fight.
The similarities are staggering, and striking.
[cop knocks on the door of a steamed up car]
[I get out holding a bowl of melted butter & wearing a lobster bib] this better be important
Interviewer: says here you’re a sniper
Me [opening gun case]: affirmative
Interviewer: is that a Supersoaker with a Pringles can taped to it
Dad, the Easter Bunny should know that I don’t like Rolos but he puts them in my basket every year.
Me: (eating a Rolo) Yeah, that’s weird.
I was 36 before I figured out most of my dad’s advice to me was just quotes from Burt Reynolds movies.
I never make my guests take their shoes off at the door because it takes them longer to get out when I want them to leave.
They say guys who drive tiny sports cars are trying to over-compensate…
*walks up to guy in minivan*
“Sup?”
My husband said we need to have an important talk, and guess what it was about? Time Travel. 👍🤣❤️
It’s not really ‘fast food’ if fat people can catch it.
Yes!
Great!
Bravo!
Hurrah!
Yippee!
Cheers!
Hooray!
Rah Rah!
Woo Hoo!
Whoopee!
Awesome!– Excerpt from “Fifty Shades of Yay!”
Yeah yeah “Friends with Benefits” are cool but have you tried “Friends with Batteries”? Less drama!
I love the Yakuza games. I wish Japan was real.
If history has taught us anything, I’d be surprised.
I think they need to come up with an explanation for these massive bat ear things other than Batman likes to pretend he’s a bat. Like there should be a scene where he explains it’s for wifi so he doesn’t use all his monthly data.
I leave my vacuum in the middle of the floor at all times so when I have unexpected company I can say I was just about to clean my house.
Star Trek was my favorite show as a kid because I liked to fantasize about getting beamed off this planet.
It’s my favorite show now for the same reason.
“Yay Springtime” I say to the wasps busily building their nest on my patio.
Stop making fast and furious movies.
Cashier: Bag or plastic sir
Me: Neither
(scoops up forty items under my shirt and walks out)
Me when I’m high: I’ll take seven burritos.
Me when I’m not high: I’ll take seven burritos.
My imaginary friend says you need a therapist.
Parenting’s First Law of Physics:
An object in motion ends up resting on the floor until there’s an argument over who should pick it up.
Having children teaches you patience, humility, love and to never, ever, be surprised when you find a Barbie doll leg clogging the toilet.