If a vegetarian who eats fish is a pescatarian, is a vegetarian who eats chicken called a poultrygeist?
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[séance]
“Everyone hold hands and close your eyes.”
[knocking sound]
“Speak, spirit, speak!”
“Hi. It’s the pizza guy. You ordered a medium.”
Carries bucket and fishing rod and drills hole in the ice.
Voice: There is no fish here!
Me: Wow, is that God?
V: No, the arena director.
A guy I know just posted “I’m relaxing today, don’t bother me” on Facebook, and let me tell you: I was going to bother him but now I’m not
WIFE: Please stop.
ME: Stop what?
WIFE: Singing in the shower.
ME: What’s the big deal?
WIFE: You’re scaring everyone at Home Depot.
Batgirl: I have a riddle for you, Riddler.
Riddler: Oh?
B: Notice anything different about me?
R:
R: *jumps to his death from 46th-floor window*
Are my affairs in order? What, like chronologically or alphabetically or largest to smallest? Because then still no.
Sperm 1: “Geez I’m exhausted, how much further to the Fallopian tubes?”
Sperm 2: “A long way, we’ve just passed the tonsils…”
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
This donut scented car air freshener is going to pay for itself next time I get pulled over.
Whenever I make a list of chores I always add one or two tasks that I have already accomplished so that I can experience the immediate satisfaction of crossing them off.
skydiving instructor: you need to pay attention to what i say
me, naked, eating a corn dog as i jump out of the plane: haha, okay, sky nerd
no..
one…cleans like Gaston
quarantines like Gaston
no one stops spreading COVID-19 like Gaston
[Antichrist emerging from the ground]
*looks around*
Oh, I see you’ve all been doing a good job without me.
*me swallowing my fourth wet t-shirt*
This contest is hard
Using Romeo & Juliet to express how inlove you are is like using Hamlet to show how close and well adjusted your family life is.
Me: I’m going to bed after this episode.
Netflix: Hahahahahaha! Sure. Ok.
Nasa: Perseverance rover, status report
Perseverance: THERE ARE OTHER DEAD ROVERS HERE
Nasa: now calm down-
Perseverance: THIS IS A PLANET OF DEATH
Me: You’ve got the same stupid duck face in every picture! Daffy: Erm… 😐
food for thought? no bro im hungry. food for stomach
We can’t afford a Trump presidency. The money spent alone on hundreds of new White House door knobs for his wee-baby hands would bankrupt us
My OnlyFans is just me loading the dishwasher correctly.
I saw a sign that said falling rocks so I tried and it doesn’t
If I die, please avenge me. If it’s an accidental death, just go nuts on whoever.
I don’t remember my driver’s ed teacher saying anything about merging while a child is playing a recorder in the back seat.
me: i miss being in a relationship im lo-
*elephant charges and runs me over*
me: *lying on ground* oh right that’s what it feels like, thanks for the reminder mr bubbles
*elephant trumpets*
*puts on kevlar vest, gloves and steel toe boots*
*Heads into Costco on a Saturday*
There’s no one lazier than the guy who named the orange.
The Dunning-Kruger Effect is when stupid people think they’re smart. Unlike the Freddy Krueger Effect which is when your murdered in your dreams you die in real life.
I admire the sense of humor ”Capri Sun” execs had like ’let’s put juice in a bag and give it to kids lol’.