[gains weight] ugh clothes don’t fit
[loses weight] ugh clothes don’t fit
Sometimes you just have to roll down your car window and bark at people to see what they do.
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“We stopped making the style of jeans that fit you perfectly right after you bought your first pair.” -Every store ever
[first day as a police sketch artist]
ME: I hope for your sake you were attacked by a stick figure.
me: would you ever hit someone with a car for $50
Date: oh dear god no
Me: *counting my money* what about $57?
Me: What’s the first step of fire safety?
4-year-old: Stay away from dragons.
Me: Well, obviously.
3-year-old: I want more milk.
Me: What’s the magic word?
3: *enraged falcon screech*
I’ll take an ice cream sandwich please. You know what? I’m trying to be healthy, can you change that to an ice cream salad instead? Thanks
There are 7 trillion nerves in the human body and some people manage to get on every one.
They are making gluten free communion wafers now. I guess you eat them because they represent the beach-body of Christ.
I’d like to meet those almond milk farmers. Shake their teeny hands.