ME: If home is where the heart is, I guess I live under a canopy of bloody bones.
DMV WORKER: I’m not putting that on your license.
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You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
[1 year 4 months since Totino’s changed their frozen pizza shape from circle to rectangle]
ME: *sigh*
HER: still mad at Totino’s?
M: yeah
A colleague suggested I clone myself so I can take on more work, but I don’t think it’s fair to ask my husband to put up with any more of me.
Oh good, instead of socks or electronics or whatever…now Amazon can also deliver your life-saving medications to someone else’s house.
Sorry I commented “yikes” on that pic of your baby you posted on facebook.
My friend bought a house and I’m happy for him but part of me keeps thinking he could’ve bought so many hot dogs with all that money.
30s: Oh look, a dance floor!
50s: Oh look, a couch!
Mom in the 90’s: We need to get you a light coat and warm pants for fall.
Me, showing up to school the next day:
*throws nickel at grandpa*
I need more magic ear money.
I don’t understand why people are giving me weird looks. It’s like they’ve never seen someone in a sleeping bag in front of 7-Eleven on Slurpee Day.
Aladdin: I can show you the world
Jasmine: lets go to New York!
Aladdin: hold on
Jasmine: then London
Aladdin: wait
Jasmine: and then-
Aladdin: listen you wanna see Agrabah I can show you Agrabah
my kids are suddenly asking why the leprechaun didn’t bring them anything or cause any chaos in our house and apparently me yelling “we aren’t Irish!!” isn’t a good enough explanation?
Me: “Seems bad that King Charles is ill, his wife is unpopular, and his heir is up to some problematic shit”
2020’s guy: “yeah”
1680’s guy: “yeah”
Sometimes when the hubs isn’t motivated to do yard work I’ll lie and say guests are arriving soon…my man’s hidin behind a mower in no time
Saw a grown man riding down the street on a BMX.
I yelled what does BMX stand for?
He replied “DUI”.
Me: I was just killing time
Arresting officer: Tim. His name was Tim
Mouth: Uh oh…. it’s that sauce word.
Brain: It’ll be fine, you’ve been practicing.
Me: Will you pass the worth chester’s shire?
Date: I’m sorry… what?
Me: Worse rooster shear?
Brain: WILL SOMEBODY MAKE HIM STOP!!
Don’t like your daughter’s boyfriend?
Leave this on his windshield.
the worst part of facing the final boss in any video game is when he makes you fill out the self-evaluation portion of your performance review beforehand
My daughter dries dishes like she is a rich lady in the witness protection program trying to integrate into a small midwestern town.
Me:*on phone* OMG thats hilarious! OK I gotta go, everyones staring. K bye. *hangs up* Im ready.
Priest: And do you take this man, in holy
People who jump right out of bed at 5 AM and turn on every light in the house, who hurt you?
Can’t, yelling at the map tracker for every wrong turn my pizza delivery guy makes
If you know what “A/S/L?” means, I hope your back is okay. 😭
Why’s it called landing a husband? Are single men floating just above me like airplanes, and does getting engaged require an air traffic control certification
Technically, the people tied to the tracks are the ones having the trolley problem
I get a cool lever
The kitchen trash will be overflowing and my kids will keep stacking garbage on top like they’re playing Jenga.
I love when murder documentaries let me know that the scene they’re showing is a ‘dramatic reenactment’, like I thought a professional camera crew filmed John Wayne Gacy eating breakfast with his wife the morning after he buried a corpse under his floorboards.
i know how hard it must have been for my parents to tell me there was no santa because i just had to tell my parents there’s no jesus
Good news. My neighbor found that last box of fireworks.