@djr_102

Sometimes you just have to roll down your car window and bark at people to see what they do.

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@jeffswarens

Anyone who uses the phrase “easy as taking candy from a baby” has never tried taking candy from a baby.

@ReeseButCallMeV

I just cleaned out my purse. So, I’ll be having a garage sale later this afternoon.

@_corichardson

[movie date]

me: i snuck in some snacks

her: omg!!

me: *holding ramen noodles* do u have any boiling water

@DavidAdt1

Me: I cut the grass, edged, cleaned up the leaves and took out the garbage.

Anyone else: Oh wow, great job!

My wife: Did you clean the grass off the mower?

@MattMcElaney

Look, mom, we can keep arguing about whether or not 28 is too old to live your parents but it’s not gonna help us find my iguana any faster.

@PhilJamesson

The word “brewery” sounds like a drunk guy slurring a better word

@Angibangie

[The oddity of dating]: Hey I like your face, also possibly your body. Let’s see if I can stand your personality until we die Okay?