Sometimes you just have to roll down your car window and bark at people to see what they do.

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Anyone who uses the phrase “easy as taking candy from a baby” has never tried taking candy from a baby.


I just cleaned out my purse. So, I’ll be having a garage sale later this afternoon.


[movie date]

me: i snuck in some snacks

her: omg!!

me: *holding ramen noodles* do u have any boiling water


Me: I cut the grass, edged, cleaned up the leaves and took out the garbage.

Anyone else: Oh wow, great job!

My wife: Did you clean the grass off the mower?


Look, mom, we can keep arguing about whether or not 28 is too old to live your parents but it’s not gonna help us find my iguana any faster.


The word “brewery” sounds like a drunk guy slurring a better word


[The oddity of dating]: Hey I like your face, also possibly your body. Let’s see if I can stand your personality until we die Okay?