Sometimes you just have to throw away a few sheets of perfectly good printer paper so it can hide all the candy wrappers in your trash can.
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Me: [sat in car]
Cop: u forget something? [Points at baby still on roof in his carrier]
Me: OMG yes [gets out & puts on his flying goggles]
Who does Amazon think I am?
ME: Thank you for your service.
VETERINARIAN: Again, I’m not that kind of vet.
ME:
VETERINARIAN:
ME:
VETERINARIAN:
ME: Thank you for your purrvice.
Waiter: May I take your order?
Yes, roll over and play dead!
Waiter: It’s not that kind of order.
Oh. Sorry. I’ll have the cheese sticks.
pretty disappointing remote islands don’t control other islands.
I just broke a mirror disco ball, I’m not looking forward to my 5,600 years of bad luck
I’m getting tired of always having to slowly raise my hand every time someone angrily asks, “Who does something like that?!”
Modest Mouse: Float On
Arrogant Mouse: Gloat On
Dear scientists,
We have enough milks stop milking things and cure cancer
[Girl over my house]
“My ex boyfriend had this weird one-man-band thing. You dont, right?”
[Unclipping my harmonica holder]
Def not.
Westjet tells you to show up 2 hours early, which usually means you’ll be arriving at the airport 8 hours before your flight leaves.
I was on the phone with my parents and I brought up how I’m parenting differently than they did, so they became defensive saying “Well, look how well you turned out” and I heard my wife laughing all the way from Target.
[ Playing with Ouija board ]
Ouija board: I have a boyfriend.
Doctor: I need to draw some blood
Me *hands him a red crayon* haha
Doctor *stabs it in my arm* haha
“single and ready to mingle”
thank you so much for the warning
Amy Winehouse’s final album was “recorded before her death.” Thanks for the clarification.
Freddie Mercury: “Hey Brian, what rhymes with scaramouche?”
Brian May: um… Fandango?
Freddie: “Perfect!” *snorts another line of coke*
Sitting down and tilting your head to the side will increase your chances of food intake by 82%.
– Dog Logic
The brake is on the left, the gas peddle is on the right, & the liquor store is 4 miles ahead.
-Me teaching my 3yr old niece how to drive
And to my kids I leave an endless supply of screenshotted recipes that I never made but also refused to delete. With these images I also bequeath a drawer full of condiments and sporks from all the takeout we had instead.
If u rob a container store does that count as organized crime?
People always say “unceremoniously fired” like it ever happens any other way. I’d like to see a big ceremony for firing somebody. Get the gang together. Order a cake. Wear some special robes.
It’s like ten thousand followers when all you need is an emergency contact.
If you want to hear an elderly couple arguing for 2 hrs about whether they closed their garage door, go to a movie at 11AM on a weekday.
When my Uncle died the obituary said that he ‘passed away in the warmth of his own home.’
It was a house fire.
Our Ideal candidate:
-Minimum 3,000 years exp.
-Must have 8 PhD’s
-Speak Klingon
80 hrs a week
$7.15 an hour
Must be passionate about work!
My friend thinks her husband is cheating on her. I don’t have the heart to tell her he’s just out chasing Pokemon.
I can’t wait for Halloween so that I can walk around with a bloody carving knife without being questioned.
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
Cannibals don’t drink coffee.
They have a cup of Joe instead.