Sometimes you just need to dance naked in the kitchen. The manager at this Burger King seems to feel differently though.
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Four engineers get into a car. The car won’t start.
Mechanical engineer: It’s a broken starter.
Electrical engineer: Dead battery.
Chemical engineer : Impurities in the gasoline.
IT engineer: Hey guys, I have an idea. How about we all get out of the car and get back in.
16 yr old nephew bought me a Miley Cyrus CD. He said “Listen to it, it’ll change your mind. It did change my mind. I used to like my nephew.
Our mailman freaked out when he accidentally saw me naked.
So did all the other people at the post office.
[me holding a door]
PRETTY GIRL: [over her shoulder] thanks.
ME: sorry, i’m married, but in time you’ll get over me.
[haunted house]
FRIEND: you scared???
ME: not because of this haunted house, but yes
Has anyone tried throwing 2020 in some rice?
Who cares if you have regrets on your death bed. You’re about to die. I have regret everyday and have like another 40 years of this garbage
Whoever said the sound of a zipper going down was the sexiest sound has obviously never heard a new bag of Doritos being opened.
Bit chilly again tonight.
Guy jogging pushing stroller for two kids. But only one there. Don’t think he knows he lost one.
Inventor of rice cakes: What if chewing air made a noise?
[performance review]
boss: from now on you’re getting supervision
me: yes!!
boss: wait, that doesn’t mean–
me: *already smashing my glasses*
Lawyer: You’re looking at life without parole
Client: [Breaks down crying]
Lawyer: Hey it’s ok I’ve never had a parole either
Me: I don’t want to fill up on bread.
Executioner: This is literally your last meal.
Me: *sends nude of me laying on couch*
Her: When did you get a belly ring?
Me: Oh…no, that’s a Fruit Loop
Is it a bad sign when your 8 year old laptop starts smoking?
Or is it just going through a rebellious phase?
I don’t know about you, but I could really go for a punch in your face right now.
she left me for good. what am i suposed to do now?
“…there ar plenty of fish in the sea”
OK DUDE FOR THE LAST TIME IM NOT GONA DATE A FISH
favorite tropes as memes
Call me so I have your number.
[5 minutes later] Oh.. I have a missed call?
If you’re not careful with those, you’ll shoot your eye out.
*points to Spanx*
I’ve bought tickets to all One Directions upcoming gigs.They’re not my cup of tea but the tickets say The Doors open at 7:15 and i love them
[sees girl reading To Kill A Mockingbird]
“Ah I love that book. The way he just [clenches fist] kills all those frickin birds.”
I’m not saying my kids come to me for everything but if I was on fire & my husband was 10 feet away, they’d still ask me for a snack.
may I borrow your hand mixer? I found a pumpkin carving hack that will destroy mine.
They don’t touch my pizza after it comes out of the oven?
So, wait. They used to touch my pizza?
Sometimes I look at my kid and think “I made this!” and other times I look at him and think “I made this?”
MOM: Any plans tonight?
ME: Me and the guys heading out to find us some ladees *shoots finger guns
HER: So Pokemon Go with Gary?
M: Yessss
Day 3 of weight loss challenge: all my coworkers look like tacos. I do not understand how the meat remains in the shell as they walk around.
I almost just turned down a beer.
Calm down, I said almost.