When I go “Commando” I carry around a big machine gun & speak with an Austrian accent while I track down my daughter’s kidnappers.
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📂Years
└📁 2022
└📁 Good stuff
└⚠️ This folder is empty
Draw attention to your older tweets by being arrested on suspicion of multiple murders.
Before encouraging everyone to “do whatever makes you happy,” ask if anyone is a sadist. Don’t encourage the sadists.
Don’t let anyone treat you like a red flag, you’re the whole damn red carpet baby
i like how at the end of old movies it says ‘the end’ so you arent horrorstruck by the thought of a fictional universe persisting unobserved
My pappy died in the sea. Not even his old chum could save him. In fact, that’s exactly what brought the sharks in the first place
Brad Pitt might be “better looking” than me, but I am considerably fatter.
*12 pulls a gray hair out of my head*
M: Wow, look at that!
12: Hang on. There’s A LOT more!
M:
12: Can I get paid for pulling these out?
Guys, the server commented on my healthy appetite as she was clearing my plate. It’s okay to eat her too, right? I didn’t have breakfast.
*licks lips*
Me: “Do that thing I like babe.”
Him: *orders pizza*
“Daddy, there’s a mime under the bed!”
That’s ridiculous, why would you think that?
“Listen!”
*complete silence*
OH DEAR GOD RUN
What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
A nervous wreck.
#HatDadJoke
Was going to rob a bank today, but the pen was chained to the desk.
GF taking me on a surprise V-Day getaway. At least I think. Not sure what the lime and shovel in the trunk with me are for though.
They say you should throw out anything you haven’t used in six months. There goes the vacuum!
People say “Don’t get carried away” like that wouldn’t be the coolest mode of transport.
College is like a Dora the Explorer episode; your professor asks a question, stares at you and then answers their own question.
yet another student using CatGPT to do their schoolwork
I get into bed.
Husband is already asleep.
I must build a pillow fort between us to keep his hot breath off of my face.
Marriage is fun.
[Who Wants To Be A Millionaire]
ME: I’d like to phone a friend.
HOST: (after 14 different attempts with no answer) The shows only an hour long.
Someone sat down next to me in a crowded waiting room and started clicking her pen.
Tune in to your local news at 5 to see what happened next.
I almost just turned down a beer.
Calm down, I said almost.
[Chased by cops on foot]
*Turns corner and lays DVD of The Notebook on floor**Cops get lost in Ryan Gosling’s eyes*
*Makes clean getaway*
Trash night me: Damn these flimsy generic trash bags!
Grocery day me: Damn these Hefty bags are pricey!
Trash night me: Damn these flimsy generic trash bags!
Grocery day me: Damn these Hefty bags are pricey!
My pet rock, Simon, died and I was going to bury him outside but I set him down and now I’m not sure which one is Simon oh no
I’m a mom; hear me repeat myself.
I’m a mom; hear me repeat myself.
Doctor: You have emphysema
Batman: How?
Doctor: Probably from throwing smoke bombs to get out of tough situations
Batman:
Doctor:
Batman: *throws smoke bomb*
one time when i was a kid my parents let an iguana babysit us while they went to a pablo cruise concert
Instead of walking faster when someone holds a door open for me, I slow down to test their door holding resolve.
I’d donate my body to science after I die, but they’d find 42 packs of chewed up and swallowed Hubba Bubba and my mom would be disappointed.