Son: Are you eating pie for breakfast?
Me (eating pie): No. Fruit casserole. Want some?
Son: NO. I hate casserole.
Me (whispers): I know…
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Trainer: Run a mile on the track at your own pace.
Me: Okay. *starts running*
*halley’s comet goes by*
*trainer dies of old age*
*halley’s comet passes again*
*the sun dies*
*final episode of the simpsons airs*
Me(almost halfway done): Halfway there!
H: What is that you’re having for lunch?
Me: fruit salad
H: That’s funny, it looks like a sangria.
Me: huh, weird *sips fruit salad*
Some days I can’t believe my son is 3 ½ years old. I swear that kid has been tormenting us for at least 10 years.
Sometimes I put my cat in the sunroom hoping the coyote who lives out back will charge at it and bounce off the glass.
ME: how long will it take to remodel my house?
CONTRACTOR: only about 2 months
[9 years later]
CONTRACTOR: ok so we’ve installed 1 stair
if i got $5 every time i thought of u i would start thinking of u
When I gave up sugar for Lent, I didn’t know I was also giving up travel, sex, human interaction, public gatherings, movies, drinking alone, peace of mind and sanity. I want sugar back.
My therapist says I’m making progress but that’s only because I lie to her
DATE: I’m a historian, I love the mediaeval era
ME: [trying to impress her] *dies at 28*
Can’t, need to go and at least see this gym that I am member of.
Increase your odds of your pickup lines working by adding “and there’s pizza” at the end.
I am criminally attractive*
*attractive to criminals
There’s a reason we say cheese and not salad when we have to smile for a photo.
me: hello darkness my old friend
darkness: friend is a strong word
In 2009, Stephen Hawking hosted an open party for everyone, but only publicized it after it was over; so only time-travelers would know to attend.
As he expected, no one came.
Me: you need to show me you can be more responsible
7: I AM RESPONSIBLE *drops scissors next to 9mo baby sister*
My son has a shirt that says, “my dad can beat up your dad,” and honestly I don’t like the pressure
My wife bought 24 Hostess cupcakes for my son to take to school tomorrow for his birthday treat. I didn’t know that’s what they were for. I hope 8 kids are absent tomorrow.
Spokane Press, Washington, July 16, 1907
Me: Do you ever get the feeling that people are laughing at you behind your back?
My husband: Not really
Me: You’re not very perceptive
Cop: get down!
Me: *starts dancing*
Cop: *shoots at my feet* FASTER
You know that runny food on your plate that touches all the other food? That’s you, butting into a conversation.
You’re creamed corn.
My neighbors had the nerve to say I give them creepy looks but I don’t understand how they can see my eyes behind my binoculars
My husband has blocked the sink!!!!
.
I knew I should have buried him in the garden!
Watching a BBC series on surgery, and all the orthopaedic surgeons are like “actually it’s a very sophisticated specialism, of profound delicacy and complexity”
and then there’s this guy:
Everyone loves a picture of a good rack.
I’m so lazy that I’ll break my tooth trying to get this tag off before I get up and get a scissor.
Me:Everything you know about me is a lie.Coworker:So you didnt dance naked in the fountain at the mall?Me: Everything other than that.
if I were Snow White I’d be like, “Holy shit how are these birds dressing me and why do they know how to color coordinate”
I want to buy my girlfriend a present within 250$ on valentines day any suggestions?
I also need a girlfriend to give her the present and 250$.