After eating this cereal for 30 years I am still neither lucky nor charming.
Sometimes you meet someone and know instantly how much you regret leaving your home.
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“WHAT DO WE WANT?”
i havent decided yet
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?”
i still need a few more mins with the menu you are a really terrible waiter
Pro tip: “Hold my drink” is not a proper response to “License and registration, please.”
[god creating ants]
God: you’re a centipede.
Centipede: what does that mean?
God: you have 10 legs.
Centipede: that’s not enough legs.
God: how many do you want?
Centipede: 100 LEGS : )
God: ok but don’t tell Snake.
Snake: don’t tell me what?
Snake: guys don’t tell me what?
Me: I’m going shopping.
Him: If you buy more than one pair of shoes I’m divorcing you.
how can people flip houses? they’re so heavy
I had a dream where children were allowed to pick their parents, and I woke up thinking “This is not The Gates’ residence.”
Her: Well, I don’t want to look a gift horse in the mouth…
Me: Then don’t floss in a mirror.
Debit card was repeatedly declined at the grocery store today. I was trying to buy vegetables so the bank just assumed the card was stolen