Imagine being a frog and someone kisses you and you turn into a prince so then you have to marry that person even though you straight up know she kisses frogs.
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Doctor – “you’ve been bitten by a spider. Ever see that movie Spider-Man?”
Me – “no?”
Doctor – “and I’m afraid you never will. You’re dying”
Boss: I suspect one of you is dead
[Everyone looks at me, except for Paul, who is not moving at all]
“TGIM!” – My liver
“If anyone has any objections, speak now or-
SHES LITERALLY A BANANA
Groom: IS THIS TRUE EMMA?
Best man: I f’kin KNEW she bruised too easily
[boys at work talking sports]
Them: what’s your favorite sport
Me: yeah
I just tried to place an order for coffee but my husband hung up on me.
The first step to forgiveness is realizing that the other person is stupid.
The world is my oyster and I’m allergic to shellfish.
No One:
My Family: Please check the menu of this restaurant we’re going to eat at in six months and let us know what you want.
Telling someone “You are not alone” can be either extremely comforting or absolutely creepy depending on the context.
Friend: How long till school starts?
Me: 8 days, 13 hours, 26 mins, 14 secs.
you dare??? even think??? of taking Jigglypuff’s Stick??
Me: I don’t have time for anxiety. I have so much to do before tomorrow.
Anxiety: Ha! Good one. You’re funny!
Me: Funny how?
mugger: GIMME UR MONEY
“All I have is this $5 grandma gave me on my birthday”
[mugger pulls off mask revealing grandma]
IT’S PAYBACK TIME
The hiring manager calling me for an interview just said uhm about 300 times. Does that mean I got the job?
Was out on the golf course and shot an eagle at Hole 9. Mom doesn’t believe me, but wait till she sees the eagle.
[looking at our kids baby photos]
me: ugh, this one came out real bad
wife: oh yeh, just get rid of it
me: ok. *shouting* TIMMY! PACK YOUR BAGS
Banana boats are powered by bananas. Everyone knows this.
My daughter made such a cute little doll of me. It even has my real hair. She has it surrounded by some candles, and she’s giving it acupuncture to help the sharp pain in my side go away.
The advantage in having a lot of children is that statistically speaking, you’re bound to like at least one of them.
restaurant manager: how is everything tasting?
me: [nibbling on candlestick] delicious
A haunted house but it’s just rooms full of empty candy wrappers because I forgot to hide the candy.
Maybe our declining vision is just nature’s way of letting us know when we’ve seen enough
Me, dry heaving and wheezing: Everest was a mistake! I’m going to die alone on this godless wasteland
The Sherpa: Miss? We are still in the parking lot
What do you call a restaurant that sells only beans?
A gas station.
My 5-year plan is to double the number of things onto which I regularly pour alfredo sauce.
*about to rob bank
Me: you cool
Partner: as a cucumber
Neil deGrasse Tyson: actually cucumbers are room temperature
Me: why is he here again
{The purge}
GUY MURDERING ME: It’s “purge.” It’s a soft g.
ME: The purg. I feel like I’m saying it.
GUY: No, it’s “purge.” You’re saying it like “iceberg.”
ME: Purg.
GUY: *Getting increasingly frustrated* Say iceberg.
ME: Iceburge.
My printer: Sorry, can’t print this out – I’m very low on magenta ink
Me: But I’m literally printing black text – there’s no red in it
My printer: Feed me magenta or you get nothing
last night a woman wouldn’t stop talking during my show and when we asked her to stop she said “none of you were funny and I know funny because my godfather is the voice of spongebob” which is just the most incredible attempt at a flex