Sometimes you meet someone and know instantly how much you regret leaving your home.

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After eating this cereal for 30 years I am still neither lucky nor charming.



i havent decided yet


i still need a few more mins with the menu you are a really terrible waiter


Pro tip: “Hold my drink” is not a proper response to “License and registration, please.”

…… apparently.


God: you’re a centipede.

Centipede: what does that mean?

God: you have 10 legs.

Centipede: that’s not enough legs.

God: how many do you want?

Centipede: 100 LEGS : )

God: ok but don’t tell Snake.

Snake: don’t tell me what?



Snake: guys don’t tell me what?


Me: I’m going shopping.

Him: If you buy more than one pair of shoes I’m divorcing you.

Me: Deal!


I had a dream where children were allowed to pick their parents, and I woke up thinking “This is not The Gates’ residence.”


Her: Well, I don’t want to look a gift horse in the mouth…

Me: Then don’t floss in a mirror.


Debit card was repeatedly declined at the grocery store today. I was trying to buy vegetables so the bank just assumed the card was stolen