@TheAlexNevil

Sometimes you meet someone and know instantly how much you regret leaving your home.

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@NervousJr

Boss: “late again I see”

Brain: think of a good excuse!

Mouth: “your moms late.”

Brain: wow….

@Parkerlawyer

My internet has been out for 24 hours and now my kids are moving out.

That was easy.

@Gooooats

You have precisely two minutes to consider where your life went wrong as you watch your Hot Pocket rotate in the microwave.

@Ann_tookeen

Dear crush,
If there ever comes a day when you no longer find something to eat, I’m still here…
I mean, there’s food in my fridge 😏

@TheHyyyype

[my wife wants an expensive audi]

ME: instead of buying 1 car for $60k we could buy 2 cars for $30k each

HER: *rolls eyes* oh sure, then why not 3 cars for $20k each?

ME: great point, could even do 4 cars for $15k each

[an hour later]

ME: how about 60,000 cars for $1 each

@DannyZuker

If a mass murderer on death row ordered a Klondike Bar for his last meal I bet it would explain a lot.

@RelatableQuote

How to break up with someone:

You: Your ex is attractive.
Partner: Which one?
You: ME.
You: BYEEEE

@RidiculousSheri

I know you’re the instructor but I’ve seen Ghost 47 times so I know for a fact this IS how pottery is made!