One time I exaggerated so hard that I died.
Sometimes you meet someone and know instantly how much you regret leaving your home.
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Boss: “late again I see”
Brain: think of a good excuse!
Mouth: “your moms late.”
My internet has been out for 24 hours and now my kids are moving out.
That was easy.
You have precisely two minutes to consider where your life went wrong as you watch your Hot Pocket rotate in the microwave.
Nothing is as heavy as a page that needs turning.
If there ever comes a day when you no longer find something to eat, I’m still here…
I mean, there’s food in my fridge 😏
[my wife wants an expensive audi]
ME: instead of buying 1 car for $60k we could buy 2 cars for $30k each
HER: *rolls eyes* oh sure, then why not 3 cars for $20k each?
ME: great point, could even do 4 cars for $15k each
[an hour later]
ME: how about 60,000 cars for $1 each
If a mass murderer on death row ordered a Klondike Bar for his last meal I bet it would explain a lot.
How to break up with someone:
You: Your ex is attractive.
Partner: Which one?
I know you’re the instructor but I’ve seen Ghost 47 times so I know for a fact this IS how pottery is made!