TIM: how are you?
ME: it’s Monday
TIM: yeah
ME: the sun is up
TIM: are u just listing facts?
ME: lettuce is a member of the sunflower family
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Macbeth [waggling eybrows]: I know a spot
Lady Macbeth: out
Macbeth: but-
Lady Macbeth: OUT
You see a Honda, a Toyota, a Chevy, and another Honda. I see four people who aren’t getting that parking space. Hang on.
*puts up baby gates all around the outside of my house*
There. That should keep ’em out.
still the best tweet of the year by far
My safe word is extra cheese
…in queso emergency.
Reason to wake up early in the day:
THE EARLY BIRD GETS THE WORMReason to wake up later in the day:
THE EARLY WORM GETS EATEN
Him: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Usually.
9 out of 10 archaeologists agree, the 10th one should not have uttered incantations to unlock the cursed bonds holding that Sumerian daemon
Finishing up my time machine. Bolting down the flux capacitor now. I’ll start small and go back a couple of seconds just to see if it works.
My wife’s returning today after an 8-day trip, so I should probably dampen the kitchen sponge and re-position it.
Interviewer: Can you explain the gap in your CV?
Me: I spent 6 hours formatting it in Google Docs and you’ve opened it in Word.
Doctor: The tests came back. They don’t look good.
The tests: ok wow this is the kind of attitude that made us leave in the first place
Him: What gets you hot, baby?
Me: mmm, talk to me in an accent.
H: Zoinks, like, there’s a ghost! Let’s get out of here Scoob!M: *swoons*
Son #1: How long have we owned this house?
Me: You mean how long have I owned this house.
S1: No, we share it, right?
Me: [Using my Mufasa voice] Look around you, son. Everything the light touches … belongs to me.
Game of Thrones, at its core, has always been a show about how much it sucks to be a horse
*Baby presses ‘snooze’ to stay in womb extra 10 minutes*
[Job Interview]
Interviewer: Please, call me Yuri, let’s get right to it, have you ever committed a crime?
Me: Yes, I stole a penny from my mom’s swear jar, it was the Crime of the Cent, Yuri.
[a gorilla is using sign language to try to tell me something]
Me [eating a banana]: I’m sorry I don’t understand
[asteroid destroys earth]
God: *wakes up* hey I was WATCHING that
(Has hundreds of bad experiences smelling things)
Him: Smell this
Me: Okay
“son, I’ve had to throw my golf socks out”
“Why dad? cos you got… A HOLE IN ONE? HAHA”
“No son. I killed a man. They’re covered in blood”
COP: please step out of your vehicle
ME: finally *leaves body*
Hi if you have three kids you will either do dishes twice a day or you will buy 3,439 forks.
I miss the days when people used to be less nostalgic.
I cleaned out my junk drawer and now I have 2 junk drawers.
i wish there were off brand cars like “hey man check out my new Toyoga Dakota”
My gas mower died so I replaced it with an electric one. It doesn’t smoke or smell and is really quiet and now I don’t know how I’m supposed to alert the rival dads when I’m beating them to cutting the grass.
Mom texted that she’s enjoying a no tech day, and I think it may be time to explain some things to her.
She thinks she funny #IfMyFriendsTitledMyLifeStory