Sometimes you meet someone and know right from the start that you want to spend your whole life without them.

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[Central Park]

Me: the squirrels have been busy collecting nuts for the winter

Also me: can someone help me get down from this tree


Jumping through hoops makes it sound too easy.

It should be something…more like…trudging through quicksand on 2 hours of sleep with a sinus infection.


New slogan for cats: “Ever go to the zoo and want to snuggle a tiger but don’t want to die? Cats.”


I’m around a bunch of people right now remembering why I don’t like being around a bunch of people


The English are truly the most remarkable people to ever exist. They traveled all across the world and saw food from every culture, and were just like “no thanks we already have beans on toast.”


Heard the local weatherman say, “high in the thirties” & now I know the title to my autobiography.


In The Little Mermaid, the real reason Ariel wanted human legs was because Eric told her he doesn’t eat sushi.


Friend: My baby turned 3 today. He’s growing up so fast!
Me: He’s actually growing up at an equal speed to every other human being on the planet.

(why I’m not invited to birthday parties anymore.)