Kids are like public radio stations; they’re talented at constantly interrupting stories to ask for money.
You Might Also Like
I got catfished by someone claiming to be Mark Twain.
Him: you’re not wearing pants?
Her: my pants don’t fit, OK?
Him: your pajama pants don’t fit?
Her: MY PAJAMA PANTS DON’T FIT, OK?!
They say 1 out of every 5 humans is Chinese.
Out of me and my 4 siblings, I’m pretty sure it’s either Carl or Liu Yang.
boss: you’re working very efficiently
me: oh thanks
boss: so I’m giving you more work
me: wait no you’ve misunderstood why I was being efficient
[introducing my new girlfriend to my brothers]
ME: …so basically this is my last day at the monastery
Whoever decided on spelling “biscuit” really needs to get their shuit together.
(cloud briefly passing overhead, obscuring the sun) what fresh hell is this ?
My favorite part of The Bachelor is when a crazy emotional girl starts crying and he’d rather kiss her snot-nosed face than listen to her.
manipulative people really be like oh so now i’m the bad guy for being the bad guy
[Garden of Eden]
EVE: If I eat the apple I get to leave?
GOD: Get to?
ADAM SANDLER: Eatin that appley bappodoodaly
EVE: Yes, get to.
Give your child a name with a creative spelling so they can spend their life correcting people.
Handy tip: if a bigger dude wants to fight you, immediately start crying so people just think you two are breaking up
I love seeing live bands. The dead ones just kind of lay there.
Welcome to middle age.
Don’t bother looking at the weather forecast; your joints will let you know when it’s going to rain.
It’s as though the guy beside me in traffic earlier had never seen a woman take her bra off without removing her shirt before
Sometimes, when I think about the word ruminate, it gets embedded in my mind, and I just can’t stop thinking about it.
Me: Our kids are finally at an age where we can sleep in on week-
Youth sports: Let me stop you right there.
If I run my fingers through your hair, I’m not being romantic… I’m probably just trying to get chicken wing grease off my hands
Mirror mirror on the wall, can I call you Jim or something cuz I’m not saying mirror mirror on the wall every time. That’s just ridiculous
My son keeps insisting that this kid at his daycare is stronger than me. It’s one of those silly arguments you get sucked into as a parent before you realize that a simple arm wrestling match with the three year old will prove your superiority beyond a shadow of a doubt.
boss: trouble at home?
me: [jumps awake at my desk] yeah
boss: wife giving you grief?
me: there’s a bee in my kitchen
I am *this* close to adopting a bunch of cats and opening a bed & breakfast called HairBnB.
[First day of class at law school]
*raises hand*
Hi, yes. When do we get our white, curly wigs?
Why did the momma kangaroo add onions, celery and various spices and seasonings to her pouch?
She was making her kids marsoupial.
mom: you’re grounded for today
me: i can’t wait until i’m an adult and no one can do that to me
[10 years later]
amazon: your package will arrive between 8am and 6pm
“Damn! If I wasn’t already married, I’d propose to myself,”
I humbly say as I taste test this homemade mac and cheese.
[getting ready for church]
Me: If you don’t hurry up and get dressed, we’re leaving you behind.
6-year-old: Okay.
Me: If you don’t hurry up, you have to go to church twice.
6: *gets dressed in record time*
anytime I light a candle I immediately picture a firefighter explaining to my neighbors how it happened
tried to blow dust off my phone and spat all over it
so yeah, i’m adorable
*turns on alarm*
Alarm: I have a headache