@mack44_d
@MelvinofYork
What kind of marriage do the people in tv ads have where one spouse surprises another with a car I mean this is a major financial decision
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@MelvinofYork
@Xoolun
Being a single man has to be depressing when you think that even a guy like Hitler had a girlfriend.
@see_more13
At the store & asked for 50 condoms. 2 girls behind me started laughing. I turned around & looked them in the eyes and said, “Make it 52”
@shakenbakegurl
I’m really bad at measuring the correct amount of pasta, so if you and 79 of your friends want spaghetti tonight, come on over.
@Token_Geezer
Weird how old people suddenly stop being so deaf the second you put some music they don’t like on
@badbanana
Since they won’t vote anyway, Obama should make the GOP look bad by nominating a bald eagle holding a picture of Jesus to the Supreme Court.
@Rollinintheseat
Average age of billionaires: 65
Average age of billionaires in books: 35
@NikatNiteNite
Just once I’d like someone to call me “ma’am” without having to add “you need to calm down or we’re going to have to ask you to leave”
@_ElvishPresley_
INDIANA JONES: this belongs in a museum!
*11 people die*
INDIANA JONES: this was worth it