@mack44_d

Sometimes you need to hug someone out…

…cold.

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@MelvinofYork

What kind of marriage do the people in tv ads have where one spouse surprises another with a car I mean this is a major financial decision

@Xoolun

Being a single man has to be depressing when you think that even a guy like Hitler had a girlfriend.

@see_more13

At the store & asked for 50 condoms. 2 girls behind me started laughing. I turned around & looked them in the eyes and said, “Make it 52”

@shakenbakegurl

I’m really bad at measuring the correct amount of pasta, so if you and 79 of your friends want spaghetti tonight, come on over.

@Token_Geezer

Weird how old people suddenly stop being so deaf the second you put some music they don’t like on

@badbanana

Since they won’t vote anyway, Obama should make the GOP look bad by nominating a bald eagle holding a picture of Jesus to the Supreme Court.

@NikatNiteNite

Just once I’d like someone to call me “ma’am” without having to add “you need to calm down or we’re going to have to ask you to leave”

@_ElvishPresley_

INDIANA JONES: this belongs in a museum!

*11 people die*

INDIANA JONES: this was worth it