Sometimes you need to hug someone out…
…cold.
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The way I gotta put my hands up after eating a sandwich to prove to my dog I don’t have any left… the trust issues
[joins a conga line]
me: I can leave any time I like
[someone joins behind]
me: oh no
My 5 yr old has “letter bags” at school. Each week we put items into the bag to represent each letter. This week is V. She told us one kid brought “pills”.
Me: Viagra?!
5: I don’t know.
Me: Valium?! Vicodin?!
5: Yeah, maybe….Husband: Vitamins.
Me: Oh, that makes more sense.
10 likes this girl so I’m going to teach him everything I know about women long story short we’re getting our bikes to ride around her house
Are dog catching nets real or just lies taught to us by Big Cartoon
By the age of 30 you should have a collection of grocery bags that you store in a grocery bag.
ground deer meat in a bun—call that a Sloppy Doe
I’m at my most math when I solve a problem while creating three new ones.
me: can I buy you a drink?
girl: sorry [holds up martini] already got one
me: [spits in it] How about now?
This is the worst carnival ever. I can’t believe they blocked the street off for this.
Sir, this is a crime scene.
[First date]
Me: What do you prefer, flat or sparkling?
Him: Water?
Me: No, my personality.
WD-40 doesn’t stop my joints from creaking, in case anyone else was considering this.
Medusa was the absolute worst when it came to objectifying people.
Officer: Can you identify the burglar’s screwdriver from these ten pictures? And his headwear from these ten?
Me: It’s tool eight; Fourth hat.
Officer: We won’t catch him with that attitude, sir.
“Thanks for saving my life” said no toddler ever
I’m walking around the hotel this morning with a briefcase handcuffed to my wrist.
It’s a great way to meet chicks.
me: what are you going to be when you grow up?
5: beautiful.
Who needs a bull in a china shop when you have a 2-year-old contemplating Grandma’s figurine collection?
Shhh, turn out the lights and hide. My feelings are knocking on the door.
you know you’re a little too deep into true crime when you call the windows in your house “points of entry.”
I asked my 5yo niece if she was behaving and she told me that she was “behaving as good as a banana does” and now I have so many more questions
I don’t have many steadfast rules in life, but one of them is to always decline grated cheese from anyone with band-aids on their knuckles
May I get your name? Yes, its “I’m The Only Person Here Waiting For Coffee.”
[job interview]
“Why do you want to be a librarian?”
I like people
“What do you like about them?”
*whispers* I like telling them to shut up
Me: I bought mini cinnamon rolls
Friend: how many?
Me: I don’t know how, but they’re tiny
her: [during sex] call me names
me: [panicking] optimus prime
One of the few joys in my life is when my kids step on their own Lego.
ME: *grasping wife’s hand* omg he’s going to say his first words
WIFE: c’mon buddy you can do it
WAITER: can i get you two started with something to drink?
MY WIFE AND ME [excitedly]: d’awwwww
Occasionally, the universe will send a sniffly stranger to stand too close to you in the store and inexplicably follow you through a couple aisles. Just for funsies