What kind of marriage do the people in tv ads have where one spouse surprises another with a car I mean this is a major financial decision
Sometimes you need to hug someone out…
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Being a single man has to be depressing when you think that even a guy like Hitler had a girlfriend.
At the store & asked for 50 condoms. 2 girls behind me started laughing. I turned around & looked them in the eyes and said, “Make it 52”
I’m really bad at measuring the correct amount of pasta, so if you and 79 of your friends want spaghetti tonight, come on over.
Weird how old people suddenly stop being so deaf the second you put some music they don’t like on
Since they won’t vote anyway, Obama should make the GOP look bad by nominating a bald eagle holding a picture of Jesus to the Supreme Court.
Average age of billionaires: 65
Average age of billionaires in books: 35
Just once I’d like someone to call me “ma’am” without having to add “you need to calm down or we’re going to have to ask you to leave”
INDIANA JONES: this belongs in a museum!
*11 people die*
INDIANA JONES: this was worth it