@mack44_d

Sometimes you need to hug someone out…

…cold.

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@TheAlexNevil

Based on the musicians who thanked him at the Grammys, I gotta say: I’m not crazy for God’s taste in music.

@TheAndrewNadeau

HER: If you could have any pet—
ME: Panda.
HER: Wow. Okay, what would you name—
ME: Pandrew.

@caithuls

ME: So it’s like a spank bank for your feelings?

THERAPIST: Most people just call it a journal, but sure

@PajamaBen_

*cop pulls me over*
Have you been drinking?
No I-
*water bottle now full of wine*
*officer lowers shades. its Jesus*
No one will believe you

@dmc1138

Me: “I updated the employee handbook like you asked.”

Boss: “This is just a book with pics of everyone’s hands.”

Me: “Pretty cool, right?”

@happily_dad

Dear neighbors, I am not killing my child. I’m washing her hair. Only she sees it the other way.

@FiannMacFool

Sociophobia is the fear of friends.

Sociophoebea is the fear of just the ditzy one.

@UncleDuke1969

Me: He’s starting to stir!
Wife: Shhhh.
Me: OH MY GOD…
Wife: Be quiet.
Me: HE’S GOT A KNIFE!
Wife: I hate watching cooking shows with you.

@causticbob

my girlfriend was cold so i bought her a fur coat. #Snowmageddon2015