Based on the musicians who thanked him at the Grammys, I gotta say: I’m not crazy for God’s taste in music.
Sometimes you need to hug someone out…
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HER: If you could have any pet—
HER: Wow. Okay, what would you name—
ME: So it’s like a spank bank for your feelings?
THERAPIST: Most people just call it a journal, but sure
*cop pulls me over*
Have you been drinking?
*water bottle now full of wine*
*officer lowers shades. its Jesus*
No one will believe you
Me: “I updated the employee handbook like you asked.”
Boss: “This is just a book with pics of everyone’s hands.”
Me: “Pretty cool, right?”
Dear neighbors, I am not killing my child. I’m washing her hair. Only she sees it the other way.
Sociophobia is the fear of friends.
Sociophoebea is the fear of just the ditzy one.
Me: He’s starting to stir!
Me: OH MY GOD…
Wife: Be quiet.
Me: HE’S GOT A KNIFE!
Wife: I hate watching cooking shows with you.
my girlfriend was cold so i bought her a fur coat. #Snowmageddon2015