@MondayPajamas

Sometimes you run into people who totally change your life for the better.

Bartenders..

Those people are called bartenders

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@KBChicken75

“To each their own”

Translation ~ one of us is right, and well… the other one is you.

@GrantTanaka

me: ah shit, 4 missed calls from my mom…[stares at door]
[FBI agents kick in door] WHY DO U EVEN HAVE A CELL PHONE IF U NEVER ANSWER IT

@Breadery

*Sat talking to a girl at a bar*
Brain: Compliment her perfume, nicely.
Me: I AM SMELLING YOU
Brain: Why do you hate me?

@NewDadNotes

Teacher: I’m worried because your daughter keeps spelling her name T-R-M-N-L.

Me: but I just taught her how to spell PAIGE.

Teacher: tell me what you told her.

Me: P as in Pterodactyl, A as in Artist, I as in Imaginary, G as in Gnat, and E as in Elephant.

@dumbbeezie

Tapeworms. A nice way to lose weight without exercising, and also have a friend

@catmarstru

“shaved carrots instead of cheese” lol okay Vogue thanks for the diet advice those totally taste the same

@Tmoney68

Just saw a man wearing a pager. Apparently, he’s expecting a very important call from someone in 1994.

@Gupton68

[abducted aboard a UFO]

Alien: Take us to your leader

Me: *shaking* Then what will you do?

A: We’ll return you, unharmed

M: Not… not even a probe?

A: There’s nothing new to learn from probing humans

M: *pouting* Even if I say please?