robber: me n Lenny will handle this job tonight, obviously you’re gonna be lookout again…sorry Joe
giraffe: this is bullshit Steve
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hey people who dress up and look amazing on thanksgiving how do you do that and why don’t you own pie-eatin sweatpants
Cost of the ice cream my kid threw a tantrum in the grocery store to get: $5
The look on his face when I ate it for dinner: priceless
I can’t remember why I walked into this room, but if you need to know the phone number of my best friend from fourth grade, I’m your gal.
Not to be rude but I think some of you think your dog is your best friend and your dog thinks you’re top 5 at most
I let an AT&T Customer Service Representative call me Brenda for a half hour because I was too embarrassed to correct him
Today is the only day you can ghost someone and blame it on being festive.
Dearly beloved, we are gathered her today to place bets on how long this marriage will last because these idiots met 2 months ago.
My husband was typing and asked me how to spell suspicious and now I am.
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over.
BLANKET: You were cold?
My tween would like you to know I ruined his life when I told him to stop being super sus and cringe and be more lit yo.
We just joined a gym and they asked me to pick a 4 digit member number and I opened my mouth and my husband said, “I stg if you use your bank pin.”
I was, in fact, going to use my bank pin💀
Me, dressed as Zeus: Release the kraken!
Son, *from his holding cell*: Just bail me out. Why are you like this?
Accidentally walked into the men’s room so I just went ahead and used the urinal so it wouldn’t be awkward for anyone.
Friend: you look great man, what are you doing for exercise
Me: well tbh, 70% of my cardio comes from grinding fresh pepper
The ability of a morning phone call to trigger my anxiety speaks valiums
“Would you like to volunteer for the plant sale?” the PTA mom asks brightly.
“I can’t, I kill plants.”
I lean in & whisper:
“On purpose.”
Me: I wish I was the most beautiful person in the world.
Genie: done
Me: *looking in mirror* But I still look the same…
Genie: Just wait until you see everybody else.
The most disappointing sentence in the human language is “This next song is off of our new album”.
I have 7 TV controllers on my coffee table. All are decoys.
The real controller stays on my person at all times.
If Ann Coulter is tweeting then who’s guarding Azkaban?
5yo: Mom is 47!
Husband: She doesn’t look a day over 40.
Me: I’m 37.
My toddler has had a rough day. I gave her regular milk instead of chocolate and Peppa Pig didn’t oink enough
Laundry needs to be put away.
I look at the basket.
The basket looks at me.
Old western shoot our music looms in the background.
Me: Did you cheat?
Wife: Haha yes, what about you?
Me: Haha yes the glass wasn’t really moving on the ouija board, I was pushing it. What did you do?
Wife: Had sex with Dave
The ocean is full of sharks, jellyfish, man-eating octopus, and nightmare whales, but make sure you wait a half-hour after eating to go in.
Who has time to monitor followers/unfollowers?
I can barely keep track of my kids and I only have 1 of those.
Wait.
Two. I have 2 kids.
I don’t care if my kids are literally performing demon-summoning incantations in their rooms after bedtime as long as they stay in there.
My doctor told me to get my affairs in order. So line up guys, let’s get you numbered.
Good for him😉🤣😉🤣😉🤣
50ME MIALS LLDO IONAT NED
NED
50ME MIALS LLDO IONAT
NED
ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME