Butt weight. There’s more!
Sometimes you run into people who totally change your life for the better.
Those people are called bartenders
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“To each their own”
Translation ~ one of us is right, and well… the other one is you.
me: ah shit, 4 missed calls from my mom…[stares at door]
[FBI agents kick in door] WHY DO U EVEN HAVE A CELL PHONE IF U NEVER ANSWER IT
*Sat talking to a girl at a bar*
Brain: Compliment her perfume, nicely.
Me: I AM SMELLING YOU
Brain: Why do you hate me?
Teacher: I’m worried because your daughter keeps spelling her name T-R-M-N-L.
Me: but I just taught her how to spell PAIGE.
Teacher: tell me what you told her.
Me: P as in Pterodactyl, A as in Artist, I as in Imaginary, G as in Gnat, and E as in Elephant.
Tapeworms. A nice way to lose weight without exercising, and also have a friend
“shaved carrots instead of cheese” lol okay Vogue thanks for the diet advice those totally taste the same
just saw Gravity. excuse me while I go hug the earth.
Just saw a man wearing a pager. Apparently, he’s expecting a very important call from someone in 1994.
[abducted aboard a UFO]
Alien: Take us to your leader
Me: *shaking* Then what will you do?
A: We’ll return you, unharmed
M: Not… not even a probe?
A: There’s nothing new to learn from probing humans
M: *pouting* Even if I say please?