passport control: you don’t look anything like your picture
incredible hulk: THE FLIGHT WAS DELAYED
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Parenting is just putting throw pillows back on the couch every ten minutes until you die.
If I don’t post proof of my bubble bath…did it even actually happen.
Me: huh why is Cinnamon Toast Crunch Shrimp trending
30 seconds later: I’ve made a terrible mistake
I don’t hate kids, I hate sociopathic little assholes raised by yuppie cunts who feel saying “no” will stifle the child’s creativity…
A brightly-colored van drives slowly down our street. Kids gather excitedly. It is the Edible Arrangements truck. We are all betrayed.
Terminator: Come with me if you want to live.
Me: No.
Her: Have you planned your funeral?
Me: Yeah, it’s scheduled for September 25, 2450.
Her: (Stares)
Me: What? Are you busy on that day?
SHAKESPEARE: Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
HIM: Sure.
SHAKESPEARE: Oh, wow, didn’t… didn’t think you’d say yes. I actually don’t have anything prepared.
HIM:
SHAKESPEARE:
HIM:
SHAKESPEARE: ur both hot.
No matter what country you’re from, how you identify yourself or what you believe in, you’ve tried to move objects with your mind before.
Willy Wonka: Welcome to my chocolate factory!
Kid: I love chocolate!
Willy Wonka: It’s death for you. I also make gum!
Next kid: I love gum!
Willy Wonka: Death. Anyone else here love anything?
Next kid: … I like TV?
Willy Wonka: ………… Death.
Doctor: It’s really not that bad. I’ll get you fixed up with 8 stitches.
Me, uninsured: Do I hear 5 stitches?
[Playing House]
Child: You can be the kid and I’ll be Dad.
Me: Bills are due, dinner needs cooked, and your boss needs that presentation done by tomorrow.
Child: …
Me: What?
Child: That doesn’t sound very fun.
Me: Can’t hear you; busy playing Minecraft.
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to have pizza.
Them: Can you help me?
Me: I don’t work here.
Them: Oh, sorry. *leaves*
My boss: You need to stop doing that.
Alexa, break up with my girlfriend for me.
Alexa: You don’t have a girlfriend.
Wow you’re fast.
My parents were great parents. They’ve always treated me and my brother, Douchenozzle McDisappointment, the exact same.
If you don’t call your spouse “wonderful” when you’re on a game show, you’re legally required to get a divorce at the end of the show.
CAT LAWYER: [pushes defense team off the table]
I wish I had the confidence of my 10 yr old who told me I was “driving all wrong” seconds after she asked for help getting gum out of her hair
People are all like “STAY OUTTA MY LIFE GOVERNMENT” and then they shut down and people are all like “COME BACK IN MY LIFE GOVERNMENT”
Just remember, you’re my “plus one,” and not my “hostage.”
There is no life on earth without water.
Because without water, there is no coffee.
And without coffee, I’ll kill you all.
Ugh I’ve put on so much weight. Can you believe I used to be 7lbs 9oz?
Maybe OCD could pick up a mop once in a while
Spend $250 on your kid playing soccer so they can tell you the only thing they enjoyed is the popsicle at the end of the game
The danger of me asking why people don’t like Taylor Swift’s new boyfriend is that someone might tell me.
When Godzilla keeps knocking down stuff that you can’t even reach.
U-HAUL, may I help you?
“You have any moving boxes?”
No all our boxes stay still
“Well you better go- wait what?”
Stop calling here, Dad
We found Max..
#MyFebruaryAccomplishment