@realHamOnWry

Sometimes you’ll hate a person when you first meet because it saves time.

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@MamaFizzles

I kept my whole house clean for three days. But then I felt like my kids had been locked in that closet long enough.

@MrEd_EVH

Boss – can you pass a piss test?

Me – Sure…distance or accuracy?

@drinksmcgee

The best part about owning cats is that they’ll eat you when you die and save you the cost of a funeral.

@AGreaterMonster

A firm handshake and a kiss on the neck is how I like to close my job interviews. Nailed it!

@Tups13

Would the Government cope in a zombie apocalypse? Vacant, horrible, disoriented people stumbling around without purpose. Plus the zombies.

@SimplySnaccbar

me: 1985 was a great year

friend: you weren’t even born yet

me: exactly

@VerbsRProudest

I don’t know when the apocalypse will happen.
All I know for sure is my son will still have 4th grade math homework due the next day.

@DaddyBeerGuy

In case you haven’t checked Facebook,

It’s hot today, the fireworks were beautiful, and 32 friends invited you to play candy crush!