@primawesome: I wish there was a way to keep in touch with dogs I meet outside of grocery stores.

@turd_firebird: If you really wanna piss someone off when introducing them, make little finger quotation marks in the air when announcing their job title.

@UniqueDude2: [Meeting girlfriend's parents] Me: Well Mrs. Ashford, I can see where Elle gets her good looks! <Mr. Ashford sulks the rest of dinner>

@sophielou: [me laughing hysterically at a tweet] Strangers walking by: what is wrong with you Me: I don’t know

@PaulyPeligroso: I'll kiss a close talker just to teach them a lesson.