I’m not saying I’m antisocial, but even when someone asks me how I’m doing I just tell them to Google it.
Sometimes you’ll hate a person when you first meet because it saves time.
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there are 1,013,913 english words but I never could string together any of them to accurately explain how much I want to hit u with a chair
Doctor: “I’m afraid-”
“I’m afraid your husband is in a better place now.”
*cut to me on a roller coaster at Disneyland*
ISIS, meet ebola. Ebola, meet ISIS. Problem solved.
Wife: we need to talk about your childish behavior.
Wife: *sigh* we need to talk about your childish behavior… Over.
Me: *clicking walkie talkie* please bring a PBJ up to the tree house and we’ll negotiate, over.
Based on the amount of animal hair, clinging to your t-shirt, I’m going to pass on your homemade cookies, thank you.
PITCHER: *throws a ball*
UMPIRE: Ball four. Walk!
AUDIENCE (who are dogs): *goes apeshit*
Anyone who shows up late to work, wearing shades and clutching a Gatorade is about to tell a lie.
Me: So, what did you bring home from preschool today?!?
God: you’re a cat.
God: you really love the humans.
Cat: yeah I do!
God: but you don’t express your feelings very well.
Cat: oh no! what should I do?
God: try giving them gifts.
Human: is-is that a dead bird?
Cat: [happy whisper] I love you so much!