I’m just saying honey, if I sound like a cat throwing up hair balls the next day…it may be time to trim things up a bit.
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Imagine having a subordinate at work who can’t perform basic job duties, requires constant oversight, and questions your every decision with another supervisor. Parenting. I just described parenting.
SISTER: i’m engaged!
ME: awwwwwwwwewwww
SISTER: did you sneak an ‘ew’ in there
ME: …no
Whenever I take my kids to the zoo I think this is exactly where they belong.
~At a snowboarding store.
Him: you need a base grind and a wax, it’s been a while.
Me: i know
Him:…
Me: Wait, what, oh the board…
*stands near cute dude in store*
ME [pretending to be on my phone]: PLEASE doctor, when will I be cured of my no gag reflex problem *winks*
[reading an e-book]
ME: Nice.[reading an eeeEeeeeEeeeee-book]
DOLPHIN: Nice.
700 people a year die falling down stairs that’s why my house only has slides
No one sleeps with Gandalf because it takes him until first light on the fifth day to come.
Boys are cute how they’re all “I like girls that don’t wear heavy makeup” and “get down from that tree near my window or I’ll call the cops”
A cop pulled me over and said ‘papers’ I said ‘scissors’ and drove off. I win.
A man threatened to sue a magazine for using his photo in a story about all hipsters looking the same — only to learn it’s not him in the picture
When I say I’m “going through something” I usually mean a family size box of croissants
Us watching you attempt to outrun something you tried to pspspspspspsps after we specifically said not to
Lady at my gym is pedaling a stationary bike while eating chips right out of the bag. I’m hiring her as my personal trainer.
What does it mean when you’re flirting with a guy and he’s just crying and holding up a crucifix?
One time I met a karate instructor who didn’t have a ponytail so I called the police
Parenthood is just chauffeuring a bunch of people you don’t want to chauffeur, to places you don’t want to go, at times you don’t even want to be awake, to do things you don’t want to do, for prices you damn sure can’t afford.
[my husband turning onto our street]
“know what I think?”
husband: you don’t have to say it everytime.
“we’ve been down this road before”
Them: Where do you see yourself in 30+ years?
Me:
Oh… Oh dear… it looks like my grandmother’s embroidered pillow may have stolen your tweet.
Fact: Canadians are legally allowed to be late for work once a week for ‘reindeer related delays.’
Columbus: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Well–
Columbus: *just yanks me out of my car and drives off in it*
How to dress when you are a woman over forty:
1. Be a woman over forty
2. Put your clothes on
Me: *takes off headphones and puts air guitar down* what?
Flight attendant: I need you to sit
me at 18: i have hundreds of friends i could ask to hang out with me tonight
me now: maybe the weird dude who spit on me on the train this morning would like to be the best man at my wedding
what’s the medical term for a female-to-male gender reassignment surgery? an addadictomy
Imagine your relief if you had a dream your daughter was dating a DJ then woke up & remembered she was dating a ferris wheel operator.
*power goes out*
wife: Great, I just bought ice cream
me [already eating it] I’m on it
My 3yo cried all morning because she doesn’t have a shell on her back like a turtle. She wants a shell on her back. A SHELL! Kids are fun.
We’ve got people working on world peace, and I’m here wondering how I can swipe a piece of my patient’s chocolate without her noticing.