I kept my whole house clean for three days. But then I felt like my kids had been locked in that closet long enough.
Sometimes you’ll hate a person when you first meet because it saves time.
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Boss – can you pass a piss test?
Me – Sure…distance or accuracy?
The best part about owning cats is that they’ll eat you when you die and save you the cost of a funeral.
*accidentally deletes a tweet*
A firm handshake and a kiss on the neck is how I like to close my job interviews. Nailed it!
Would the Government cope in a zombie apocalypse? Vacant, horrible, disoriented people stumbling around without purpose. Plus the zombies.
me: 1985 was a great year
friend: you weren’t even born yet
I don’t know when the apocalypse will happen.
All I know for sure is my son will still have 4th grade math homework due the next day.
In case you haven’t checked Facebook,
It’s hot today, the fireworks were beautiful, and 32 friends invited you to play candy crush!