@realHamOnWry

Sometimes you’ll hate a person when you first meet because it saves time.

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@DareDarilyn

Before being born, I wish I would have been able to select the difficulty level of my life.

@myonlymizztake

*Buys Samsung smart fridge. Opens app every 15 minutes to see if there’s anything good in there*

@therealdrix78

Whenever a bird shits on my car, I eat a plate of scrambled eggs on my porch just to show them what I am capable of.

@fro_vo

SHEEP: okay you’re in charge of keeping the flock together
ME: what
SHEEP: you herd me

@BinaryBad

I feel sorry for dogs. They learnt to fetch newspapers, but newspapers are dying. Killed by an internet driven by cats.

@TheBoydP

Show me someone who says they like all types of music and I will show you someone who has never been on hold before a conference call.

@StockSwaff

Girls like guys who take charge: ask her out, plan a date, take a hostage, overthrow a government, nuke her ex’s hometown, buy her a puppy.

@TheAlexNevil

Marriage only works when both partners listen. Not to each other; god that would be horrible advice.