@obijawn: Me: *throwing away all the lettuce* Wife: oh, you already heard about the recall Me: What recall?

@sixfootcandy: No, Grandma; you can’t pull a Basic Instinct for extra potatoes at the retirement home.

@ElizaBayne: I think my abs look pretty good for a mother of 2 kids. I don't have kids.

@senorwinces: If you watch Intervention backwards, it's about a person partying hard after an awful family reunion.

@smudger103: This is so me 😂😂