guy inventing constellations: see that square? it’s a fish
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My friend’s DoorDash was stolen by a raccoon right after the same thing happened in Florida and I think we might have an orca situation going on here.
[at the pub]
I could survive for six days with everything in the pockets of my cargo shorts.
Her: Quit talking to me
I named a large spider I saw today in my bedroom “Cotton Eye Joe” because Where’d you come from. Where’d you go.
A man threatened legal action when he discovered that instead of a staff member ordering him in Candyman: the horror film, they ordered in the CD single of Candy Man by Christina Aguilera
[hunting]
DAD: dont scare him
ME: did u know we dump 16 tons of sewage into our waters every minute
DEER: holy shit
DAD: what did i just say
[hearing burglar noises downstairs, my dog and I exchange worried glances]
Dog: I guess I could protect you?
Me: dude you’ve been in one fight in your life and that was with a blanket
Me: Forgive me father I have sinned
Priest: Get out of my house
M: But it’s a big sin
P: *sigh* Speak child
M: I broke into your house
HER: You ran over my cat
ME: I’m so sorry
HER: You’re gonna have to replace him
ME [imagines myself napping all day and pushing things off shelves] ok
supermarketes become so much more terrifying if you find a product with the word ‘instant’ and replaec it with ‘sudden’
Normal stickers: I peel off easy.
Stickers on things you buy: lol stop it that tickles.
[exotic fish store]
AMISH GUY: Yes, I’d like to buy an acoustic eel, please.
The person who named Red Delicious apples should never be allowed to name anything again.
Daylight Saving Time starts this evening, turn your clocks forward and change smoke alarm batteries before going to bed tonight.
IT’S-A ME,
My cat just wrote the Great American Novel. Let me read you a page, “Meow meow meow meow meow meow.” Dunno, think it’s a little pretentious.
The trick to sneaking a mug full of vodka is to occasionally blow on it like it’s hot.
I just sneezed and even my dog looked worried.
Like that whole spinach in the teeth thing, I never know if it’s polite to tell a lizard person when they have a little tear in their human suit.
Down on yourself for being lazy? Keep in mind the Greeks believed their Gods lived atop a very hikeable mountain and no one went to check.
I accidentally touched the underside of a public toilet seat with my finger. Well, you had a good run, finger. *chainsaw sound*
Religion: because reading one book is a lot easier than a whole bunch of hard ones.
Roger Federer is a bit more than Rog Feder but is less than Rogest Federest
[first date]
him: I’m a cat person.
me: [trying to impress]
*bites him when he tries holding my hand
Make me an entire website @funTweeters!
kidnapper: [opens trunk] get up
me: ʲᵘˢᵗ ⁵ ᵐᵒʳᵉ ᵐᶦⁿᵘᵗᵉˢ
Currently at a pumpkin farm that has 800 activities for kids & zero alcohol for parents.
What level of hell is this?
(first date)
Her: I love Star Trek
Me: Me too!
Her: What’s your favourite part?
Me: *sweating* uhh when the stars go trekking!
[training the new person at work]
Them: so you do this everyday?
Me, hiding in the toilet for the 6th time: yes