Somewhere a guitarist sets down his instrument, pours gas on it, & lights it ablaze while Miley Cyrus naked on a wrecking ball shoots to #1.

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During my prostate exam I asked the doctor, “where should I put my pants”? “Over there by mine”, was not the answer I was expecting.


I couldn’t remember my speech at a funeral today so I improvised with a magic trick and sawed the coffin in half


Neighbors across the street have their Christmas lights up, so I invited them to my Easter Egg hunt this afternoon.


The best thing to do with Christmas lights that don’t work is put them back in the attic so they can frustrate you again next year.


Tuna are probably pretty annoyed with how much we worry about catching dolphins in our tuna nets.


Baby detective: These stab wounds here, they-
*coroner covers the body with a sheet*


My 1yo son doesn’t even know how to use pockets, and yet his clothes have millions of them while I’m over here with my phone in my hand and my car keys in my mouth


[Me narrating a documentary on guerrilla warfare]
And here’s more footage of people, but I’m sure apes will be in this film any minute now..


“I’ll have the Anti-sleeping Prescription”

“Sir, those are kids”

“Gimme two”


I went to a AAA meeting today and a guy celebrated 21 years. That is some responsible vehicle ownership.