Somewhere, a ninja watches “I Didn’t Know I was Pregnant.” An imperceptible smile creeps across his lips. “Damn right you didn’t.”
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Me: *sits still 90% of my day by choice* This is nice.
Also me: *stuck in traffic* You mean I just have to SIT here?!’
how to lose 20lb
step 1: gain 40lb
Co Worker: I’m a workaholic.
Me: Oh. My. God. He’s been drinking Workahol!!
Detective: Where were you on the night of…
Me: Kung Fu fighting. We all were. I saw you there.
Who comes up with this kinda stuff
KID: Where’s grandma?
DAD: She’s in a better place now
KID: Canada?
[first date]
her : where do you see yourself in next 10 years?
me : at our daughter’s piano recital
I want my kids to have a fun childhood, but like a lazy, quiet kind of fun that doesn’t cost anything.
Eating my weight in chocolate but my weight increases with each chocolate so I’m trapped in a continuous loop
We wouldn’t really have any national debt in this country if strippers would just pay their damn income taxes.
If uneven eyeliner ever becomes a trend, I am golden.
Ratatouille is my favorite movie based on a true story.
migraine |my-grain|
noun
1 a recurrent severe headache
2 what a farmer shouts in disbelief after a terrible storm destroys his wheat field
Doctor: so what type of birth control are you using?
Me: my appearance
Two words: Egg Newtons™
Hard boiled eggs with a delicious fig filling.
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Attack while they’re distracted.
“Alexa, lock the door”
– me to my friend alexa because computers locking doors is LITERALLY HOW TERMINATOR STARTED
Sorry I yelled “April Fool’s” while you were proposing to your girlfriend.
BRAIN: it’s 4am u up?
ME: leave me alone
B: who was our grade 5 teacher?
M: stop
B: why’s our eye itchy?
M: I’m ignoring u
B: engage bladder
*cracking knuckles, sharpening ax, loading 12-gauge*
Alright, it’s time to recite some poetry
I was sitting in the public toilets when a guy in the cubicle next to me started smoking. Disgusting.
Nearly put me off my sandwich.
If you ghost me, I assume one of two things happened
1: you fell in love with me really quickly and overwhelmingly and you couldn’t handle it and knew I would ruin your life forever because of how amazing I am
2: you died
Cashier: you’re 8 cents short
Me: it’s only 8 cents can you just let it slide
Cashier: no
Me: *slides cashier 20 dollars* what about now
This day in history. 1924. Franz Kafka died after a surrealistically charged life which should have its own adjective. Kafkastic? Kafkable?
“I’m just here for a good time, not for a long time.”
– me, talking to the fridge
Merica.
Doctor: Where it says “health conditions” on the form you wrote “confusion.” I don’t understand.
Me: So you have it too?
Am not being sponsored to say this but if anyone is looking for a way to make swallowing food easier, try using “Teeth”. I recently began using teeth while eating and it’s reduced the number of Heimlich manoeuvres I receive per month by over 94% 👍
it was the best of times (adding to cart) it was the worst of times (seeing the total plus shipping)
Isn’t it time to start naming hurricanes after IKEA furniture.