Somewhere a village is missing its idiot.
I guess what I’m trying to say is, I can’t remember where I live.
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what if mayonnaise was like peanut butter and either creamy or crunchy
Crows are like if a witch decided “I’m a bird now, too”
There are two types of people in this world: those that eat handfuls of grated cheese straight out the bag and those that pretend they don’t
Me and the fellas making welcome gift baskets for the aliens.
I hope Prince Harry and Emma Watson last because if they have a son, it will be the half-blood prince.
I wonder if Eric Clapton really thought she looked Wonderful or was it just the 20th outfit she’d tried & he just wanted to get to the party
Been on hold so long I can’t remember who I called. I have a credit card out and my pants off but that doesn’t really narrow it down much.
Her: I’m just a vintage soul
Me: and a vintage face..That’s how the fight started
Me: *dies*
My kids: *taking out Ouija board*
H-I
M-O-M
W-H-A-T
A-R-E
Y-O-U
M-A-K-I-N-G
F-O-R
D-I-N-N-E-R?
Forgive me father, for I have sinned. I’m not so sure what I did, but he sent me a text that only said, “K” so it must be pretty bad.
Damn boy, are you the black jelly bean?
Because I absentmindedly picked you, and now I regret having you in my mouth.
Soldier Dying on Omaha Beach.
“dont forget to tell my wife i love her…
and…and…honor me every year with a
…..mattress sale.”
your quarterback name is your grandfather’s first name and the last thing you did mine’s Dom Paintwall. ok you go
Meteorologists are always good looking because we won’t stand for being lied to by ugly people
I write vampire jokes but they never see the light of day.
My wife’s online shopping downstairs so I’m upstairs logged on to the same site and deleting everything in her cart.
Dads will leave 3 Frosted Flakes in the box and tell you it’s enough for a bowl
My wife just asked me why she came home to find marinara sauce all over our sleeping baby’s head. Sorry babe, I’M NOT A DETECTIVE.
Therapist: what’s your biggest fear?
Me: being alone
Therapist [getting tarantula out of box]: guess again idiot
I’ve never been a backseat driver. My arms aren’t long enough.
How to be a beautiful woman*:
– Breathe fire
– have a 30 feet long wingspan
– keep your scales acid shiny
– sharpen your claws*Awesome dragon
Anytime I need to leave my name for a server to yell out later when my order is ready I always say it’s “Marco”.
[first cat being domesticated]
What’s that thing your petting?
“It’s called a cat”
Do they bite?
“Oh ya LOL all the time!”
pretty jealous of bears. they’re like, “well, just ate my entire weight in salmon, now I’m gonna sleep for 6 months. smell ya later, hater”
I can cook up any meal but I can’t peel boiled eggs without them looking like a toddler took bites out of them.
day 16 of being stuck in:
me: shall I have another glass of wine?
my wall: yes catherine splendid idea
UNHAND ME
Wait
how many?
ex: i wish you well
me: i hope you fall into one
[job interview]
“Tell me about yourself”
*flashback to when I used hand towels mom said are specifically for guests*
I’m a risk taker
“I do so like green eggs and ham. Thank you! Thank you, Salmonella-I-am.”
– The breakfast that inspired Dr Seuss