Somewhere in Africa, a bunch of orphans are about to be running around in confederate flag shirts.

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I’m gonna hire a person to speak at my funeral and say a bunch of crazy stuff about me so my friends and family think I had a secret life.


I’m sorry, I’m just in a really weird place right now I say from a lazy Susan inside a friend’s pantry


2-year-old: *points to my belly* Baby!

Me: Yep, there’s a baby in there! Will you love it?

2: I eat it.

Well that escalated quickly.


god: make a giant mouse

angel: okay

god: with a baby carrier on it

angel: wh- why

god: but it’s like, really good at jumping and stuff

angel: [nervously] what stuff

god: [hits joint] boxing


WIFE: we’ve be ME: er
WIFE: married so l ME: ar panels
WIFE: we com ME: puter
WIFE: each o ME: ctopus
WIFE: sen ME: ta claus


*deletes your contact information*

Siri: Are you sure you really want to do that? You’ve already deleted and re-added this guy 17 times.


HITMAN: Who’s the target?
ME: [slides photo across table]
HITMAN: You..want me to kill Shrek?
ME: Not Shrek [taps photo] his talkative horse


Got fired from the duty free store for never showing up which is very misleading and also bullshit.


I made it halfway to Mexico before I realized that those sirens were just coming from the song on my radio.


“As a student the most comforting words you’ll ever hear are ” I haven’t started either”