How excited are you, on a scale from 1 to white woman who just found out that this dinner party has sangria?
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M: YOU’RE USING MY $150 BLOW-DRYER TO UNFREEZE PIPES?!
H: Your WHAT blow-dryer?!
M: Never mind, carry on.
My kid: Hurts his eye putting on safety goggles
Alanis Morisette: *deep breath*
I have felt uncomfortable before. But we were just passed by a slow moving hearse and funeral cars… My son is dressed as the grim reaper.
He f**ng waved.
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT, I’M CHILL AF
I don’t actually need a house cleaner, I just need the threat of a house cleaner coming over as motivation
When’s dinner?
-My kids an hour after finishing Thanksgiving dinner
The Grapes of Wrath 2: The Raisins of Revenge
(friends getting chinese noodles without you)
that’s pretty lo, mein
I don’t mean to brag, but I don’t need to buy a new Tamagotchi. The one I got in 1997 is not only still alive, but it’s healthier than I am.
kid that threw a ball into my yard: hey give it back
me: *hugging his dog* no
Her: If you look up immature in the dictionary you’ll see a picture of yourself!
Me: Oh I’m immature? I’m not the one with pictures in my dictionary Karen!
[wife comes home from work]
“why havent you done any of the things i asked you to”
[the dog walks past dressed as a policeman]
ive been busy
Fairies dart around the room to collect eraser shavings of mistakes you’ve made from the day. “I can’t carry anymore”, complains one. “How can this all be from ONE person?!” cries another, sweating profusely.
{The Mothburbs}
Mom: Oh no!
Dad: What?
Mom: 16 has that glow about her
Dad: Didn’t you have the talk??
Mom: Sure but you remember your first time?
Dad sighs: Wild horses still can’t keep me away from light bulbs
Tried to feed the baby some vegetable puree so tasted it to show her it’s good…and immediately ordered a pizza for us both
don’t worry, i’m not like other girls
*head slowly rotates 360*
guy at the gym: hey can you spot me
me: ya you’re not even hiding
Doctors who give out lollipops really treat their patients
[neighbour sees me walking to horse barn with a shotgun] did it break its leg?
[me pretty sure the horse saw me practicing moonwalking] yeah
The only thing we need to bring back is duels.
Thinking about when someone said their favorite conspiracy theory is that “JFK didn’t get shot. His head just did that”
your quarterback name is your grandfather’s first name and the last thing you did mine’s Dom Paintwall. ok you go
My neighbors hate me because I still haven’t taken my Groundhog Day decorations down.
[guy inventing wicker furniture]
think I might knit myself a chair
Most annoying times to be attacked by bees
3. Seconds after selling your beekeeper’s suit
2. A day before you’re due to set a record for the longest anyone’s gone without being stung by a bee
1. During a battle to the death with your arch-nemesis who’s wearing a beekeeper’s suit
if you can’t judge a book by its cover then graphic design is a big fat lie
“You do you” is the nicest way to call someone an idiot.
Canadian girls wear sundresses all year round. Sometimes it’s just underneath flannel.
If you boil a funny bone does it then become a laughing stock.
Go ahead, criticize my overprotective parenting but no gorillas were shot on my watch.