@tonsmorecowbell

Somewhere in Africa, a bunch of orphans are about to be running around in confederate flag shirts.

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@Elizasoul80

I’m gonna hire a person to speak at my funeral and say a bunch of crazy stuff about me so my friends and family think I had a secret life.

@SuperJuanderer

I’m sorry, I’m just in a really weird place right now I say from a lazy Susan inside a friend’s pantry

@LaceyNycole

2-year-old: *points to my belly* Baby!

Me: Yep, there’s a baby in there! Will you love it?

2: I eat it.

Well that escalated quickly.

@pilau

god: make a giant mouse

angel: okay

god: with a baby carrier on it

angel: wh- why

god: but it’s like, really good at jumping and stuff

angel: [nervously] what stuff

god: [hits joint] boxing

@fro_vo

WIFE: we’ve be ME: er
WIFE: married so l ME: ar panels
WIFE: we com ME: puter
WIFE: each o ME: ctopus
WIFE: sen ME: ta claus

@MoneypennyNaked

*deletes your contact information*

Siri: Are you sure you really want to do that? You’ve already deleted and re-added this guy 17 times.

@joejwest

HITMAN: Who’s the target?
ME: [slides photo across table]
HITMAN: You..want me to kill Shrek?
ME: Not Shrek [taps photo] his talkative horse

@elle91

Got fired from the duty free store for never showing up which is very misleading and also bullshit.

@GuyThe_Guy

I made it halfway to Mexico before I realized that those sirens were just coming from the song on my radio.

@BrosConfessions

“As a student the most comforting words you’ll ever hear are ” I haven’t started either”