I’m gonna hire a person to speak at my funeral and say a bunch of crazy stuff about me so my friends and family think I had a secret life.
Somewhere in Africa, a bunch of orphans are about to be running around in confederate flag shirts.
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I’m sorry, I’m just in a really weird place right now I say from a lazy Susan inside a friend’s pantry
2-year-old: *points to my belly* Baby!
Me: Yep, there’s a baby in there! Will you love it?
2: I eat it.
Well that escalated quickly.
god: make a giant mouse
god: with a baby carrier on it
angel: wh- why
god: but it’s like, really good at jumping and stuff
angel: [nervously] what stuff
god: [hits joint] boxing
WIFE: we’ve be ME: er
WIFE: married so l ME: ar panels
WIFE: we com ME: puter
WIFE: each o ME: ctopus
WIFE: sen ME: ta claus
*deletes your contact information*
Siri: Are you sure you really want to do that? You’ve already deleted and re-added this guy 17 times.
HITMAN: Who’s the target?
ME: [slides photo across table]
HITMAN: You..want me to kill Shrek?
ME: Not Shrek [taps photo] his talkative horse
Got fired from the duty free store for never showing up which is very misleading and also bullshit.
I made it halfway to Mexico before I realized that those sirens were just coming from the song on my radio.
“As a student the most comforting words you’ll ever hear are ” I haven’t started either”