@juneohara65

Somewhere in my brain is a tiny gland that blinds me to unwashed dishes.

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@thatUPSdude

Her: Do you watch Desperate Housewives?

Me: No but I follow a few on Twitter.

@Cyd10e

Y’know the trouble with nude dancing is that not everything stops when the music does.

@somewhatalady

“Everyone says they’re voting for Clinton or Trump, but I’m voting for Regina George because she got hit by a bus.”

@skickwriter

Server: Would you like to try our new bacon-wrapped…

Me: YES!

@AlexvanBeek

Cats that run under your legs display the same genius as someone walking into traffic.

@matt___nelson

[1st date]
{don’t let her know you’re Hitler}
HER: what are you going to eat?
ME: definitely not seafood
HER: did u say nazi food?
ME: shit

@Manda_like_wine

Results are in: a lot of people took the “never change” yearbook inscription way too seriously.