Somewhere in my brain is a tiny gland that blinds me to unwashed dishes.

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Her: Do you watch Desperate Housewives?

Me: No but I follow a few on Twitter.


Y’know the trouble with nude dancing is that not everything stops when the music does.


“Everyone says they’re voting for Clinton or Trump, but I’m voting for Regina George because she got hit by a bus.”


Server: Would you like to try our new bacon-wrapped…

Me: YES!


Cats that run under your legs display the same genius as someone walking into traffic.


[1st date]
{don’t let her know you’re Hitler}
HER: what are you going to eat?
ME: definitely not seafood
HER: did u say nazi food?
ME: shit


Results are in: a lot of people took the “never change” yearbook inscription way too seriously.