Somewhere on a windy pasture under this moon there’s a barbed wire fence I left more of myself on than I realized.

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professor x: what’s your power?

me: i have super vision

professor x: oh?

mom: stop talking to strangers


Learning karate in case I’m ever attacked by cinder blocks and wood planks.


cave of wonders: only one may enter here

aladdin: abu has to wait outside?

cave of wonders: oh, pets don’t count

abu: *steals*

cave of wonders: OK PETS COUNT


Why are you even asking me that mom. I love jumping off bridges, either by myself or as a group, you know that.


Kanye West builds a time machine so he can interrupt himself interrupting Taylor Swift.


“I’m glad you’re so normal. It’s refreshing.”
“That’s me- totally normal!” *waves off mariachi band waiting in the wings*


I just gave my kid ice cream because she wouldn’t stop crying. Sorry, whoever she winds up marrying.