professor x: what’s your power?
me: i have super vision
professor x: oh?
mom: stop talking to strangers
Somewhere on a windy pasture under this moon there’s a barbed wire fence I left more of myself on than I realized.
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Learning karate in case I’m ever attacked by cinder blocks and wood planks.
Women have a higher risk of getting pregnant than guys.
cave of wonders: only one may enter here
aladdin: abu has to wait outside?
cave of wonders: oh, pets don’t count
cave of wonders: OK PETS COUNT
Why are you even asking me that mom. I love jumping off bridges, either by myself or as a group, you know that.
Kanye West builds a time machine so he can interrupt himself interrupting Taylor Swift.
“I’m glad you’re so normal. It’s refreshing.”
“That’s me- totally normal!” *waves off mariachi band waiting in the wings*
Waitress: “Hi, my nam-”
Me: “Vodka martini, please.”
I just gave my kid ice cream because she wouldn’t stop crying. Sorry, whoever she winds up marrying.