me *swallowing pride*
baby lion: holy shit
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My daughter’s birthday wishlist this year can only be deciphered by a much, much richer man.
I just bought one share of stock. I’m a finance bro now.
Little Caesar’s is really missing out by not doing a “Sides of March” deal on Crazy Bread.
Babe, calm down. I don’t think you heard me. They’re MAGIC beans.
Ice Bucket Challenge Champion since 1945 ☺️
Everybody at the party got upset when Baby Jesus turned the wine into breast milk.
One way to handle social anxiety is to pretend you are a ghost & people are staring at you because they have a gift they never asked for
Does your cat do that thing where he refuses to eat the stale bowl bikkies so you take the bowl up to the kitchen counter and shake it around a bit and then they think you’ve swapped it out for fresh bikkies and they happily crunch it up ehehehe what a tiny idiot
I don’t buy tupperware containers, I steal them from my parent’s house like an adult
Harry Potter is a guy who peaks at being a high school quarterback and then drops out to become a cop
Not to brag, but my tweets are enjoyed by well over 3 people worldwide.
[court]
Defense lawyer: Oh great.
𝘛𝘩𝘢𝘵 judge.
Client: What’s wrong with him?
Lawyer: His name is Thoreau D. Book.
Me: whaddu mean “no”
Donut shop employee: we cannot pump the custard directly into your mouth to “save hella time”
[office meeting]
BOSS: Printer ink is costing us a ton. Any ideas on how to cut costs?
SQUID: *looks up from phone* Why y’all lookin’ at me?
A young musician left his
priceless Stradivarius violin
on a train in Germany.But it was returned…
no strings attached.Wait…what ?
My husband has decided to take on a kitchen renovation project by himself because “it can’t be that hard.” He’s currently watching a YouTube video.
Pray for me.
I just ate an apple to keep doctors off me, now what do I need to eat to dodge the cops?
“So how did you two meet?”
“Unfortunately.”
Him: I’m a pilot. Got a degree in aviation, thousands of flight hours, a lot-
Me: I’m a pilot too! Hot air balloons.
Him: That’s really not the same at all, you-
Me: *pantomiming pulling a chain*
Him: How do you even steer?
Me: *shrugs* Anyway, we have the same job.
Condoleeza Rice’s less successful sister is Apartmentleeza Rice.
T-REX *runs past me*
ME: woah more like tyrannosaurush
T-REX *stops dead* ok you first. I’m gonna eat you first
*throws goods on conveyor belt*
Cashier: is that all sir?
Me:”Nope. You got change for a trophy?”
When I go to type “Lmaooooooooo” and accidentally forget the A
me working on my assignments ^-^
*First hour into camping with my family with no phone*
I have 2 kids?!
“What do you want? I’m very busy.”
“Afternoon, ma’am, my name is-“
“Who is it, Mom?”
“No one, go finish your homework.”
SON: *first word* momma.
MOM: DID YOU HEAR THAT?
ME: *distracted by the faint song of an ice cream truck*
He never comes down our street.
for years you mocked us, you made fun of our over-sized purses full of goldfish crumbs, our hair ties on our wrists, our jackets just in case, but who do you need now? who has 6 half-full containers of hand-sanitizer stored in old bags around the house? that’s right. moms.