moses: watch me split the red sea in half
red sea: i’ve got a boyfriend
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The baby’s trying to eat the poinsettia again
Well, maybe we should get rid of it
The plant? But we just got it
. . .Haha yeah, the plant
Aziz Ansari dancing in the video for “Otis” is me at every wedding I’ve ever been to.
Whenever I unsubscribe and it asks me why, I choose “other” and put “you know what you did.”
My husband and I play this game where we buy potato chips the other one doesn’t like so we don’t have to share.
Asking your mom, “Will there be any pretty girls coming?”
Is a good way of getting out of going to your family reunion..
reply and i’ll guess how many slim jims you can carry without dropping
Glad I hooked up a subwoofer so the kids can watch TikTok compilations on YouTube with bass that frightens the cat.
Hey people that twitter says are “similar to me”, where do people like us put our car keys?!?!?!
ppl come over to ur house and are like “can i get myself a glass of water” and ur like “sure” and u look over and they’ve chosen literally the most random glass you’ve ever seen
1st Date
Me: Just warning you. I get freaky.
Her: Oh yeah? How freaky.?
Me:*thinking of using pizza rolls as a pizza topping* So freaky.
Fitness instructors who resist the temptation to yell out YOUR OTHER LEFT are alright.
*leaves social media, covers webcam with tape, installs encryption software, resets passwords, dons tinfoil hat*
Try and spy on me now!
*ad for Reynolds Wrap pops up in my browser*
SON OF A
Drop a house on me, so I know it’s real
I’m not here to offend anyone; I’m here to offend everyone.
I’m not a womanizer! They were all women when I found them!
My mom didn’t respond to the family gardening group thread when I announced my monarch caterpillars so I called the landline, and it was so worth it. She used to have an “I brake for butterflies” bumper sticker. Definitely more excited than when I told her I was getting married
I just “shaved “both my legs with the little plastic cap still on the razor and didn’t notice until I was “finished” with the second leg.
I just scraped shaving cream off my legs like ice off a windshield.
tinder, huh? back in my day if you wanted a girl to notice you, you had to dress like a gargoyle and cling to the roof of her parents’ home
I bought a bowflex, it’s very confusing, how do I muscles? do I eat it? do I eat the bowflex?
USA is broken. Can we use USB now? 🤔
Sesame Street didn’t prepare me for any of this bullshit.
Congrats u survived pandemic so your reward is World War III
how come in movies people can punch each other 500 times while falling off a building and get up but in real life i accidentally kicked the end of the couch and i had to lie on the floor for 30 minutes
Is there a term for when you unlock your car but you get caught talking to a coworker in the parking lot and the car re-locks itself before you open the door but when you park at home and forget to lock it it stays unlocked?
A little Caesar’s pizza joke, eh?
I like when new parents tell you “he calls his one set of grandparents grandma and grandpa and the other grong grong and poodeepie.”
Apparently, Walt Disney was a secret FBI snitch for 26 years so I guess you could say he was a rat who was famous for drawing a mouse.
Went to the toilet once and a guy in the next cubicle said “alright, mate! What you up to there?” I replied “hey just having a shit”. An awkward pause followed before the guy in the next cubicle said “I’ll have to call you back, mate….” I hid in that cubicle for an hour.
Seek respect, not attention. It lasts longer.
An eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth
~ realistic wedding vows