If I knew I’d have this many brain cells left, I would have partied a little harder in my twenties.
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If Hugh Hefner ran a company wearing pajamas so can you.
me: hit that tree with your fist
hitman: that’s not what i do
me: hundred bucks
hitman: no
me: will you punch a house
British people be like “gotta bring the car to the mechanic for a chune-up”
3200 BC: Man invents written language and abandons hieroglyphics
2023 AD: Man abandons written language in favor of memes
My dad had a new radiator fitted, then realised you could no longer open the drawer. So he remade the drawer like this to correct his mistake. This sort of thing explains a lot of my upbringing.
ME: No idea why I can’t sleep right now
FOUR EMPTY CUPS OF COFFEE: uhhh—
ME: [avoiding eye contact] No idea at all
I like my sentences like I like my women: awkward but with good colon usage and regular periods.
If I see you wearing those toe shoes, I will call the police and give them your description every time a crime is reported on the news.
Me: I saved my friend from drowning
Wife: How? You can’t even swim
Me: I shot him
UK and US word differences
UK | US
Crisps | Guns
Chips | Guns
Nappy | Gun
Biscuit | Gun
Pavement | Floor Gun
Lollypop | Gun
Gun | Two Guns
Me: Alexa, tell me a fact to tell my date to break an awkward silence.
Alexa: When hippos are upset, their sweat turns red.
Me: When hippos-
Date: Yeah, I heard…
I met my wife on Tinder. She was furious.
Me: “I’ll drink to that!”
Them: “Nobody said anything.”
Me: “I’ll drink to that!”
Me: *being pulled from my smashed car by paramedics & put on a stretcher*
My mom: WAIT! *running up to the ambulance, out of breath* this never would’ve happened if you drank more water
Husband: We should go to Costco.
Me [still in pajamas]: So I should change?
H: I said Costco, not Walmart.
Me:*puts on nicer pajamas*
How deep is your love?
Please show all work.
Me: The new guy’s a lumberjack?
Boss: Yep
Me: He seems nice…
Boss: STOP
Me: I’ll bet he’s good at…
Boss: DONT
Me: random axe of kindness
passion fruit: i had a wild date last night, what did you do?
jackfruit: oh nothing
Stop pronouncing it “pecan.” Everyone knows it’s “pecan.”
[10,000 BC]
Primary cause of death: Eaten[Now]
Primary cause of death: Eating
In “Hit Me Baby (one more time)” when Britney Spears said “my loneliness, it’s killing me”, she was actually predicting the 2020 social distancing period. In this essay I will
Take me down to the paradise city where the salmon are jumping and the tubes are fishy
Turn ons include knobs, faucets, buttons, handles, cranks, and ignitions.
Just ordered Dominos while at Dominos because I need a ride home.
me: you’re probably wondering why I gathered you here today
platter of various cheeses:
simultaneously my vacuum caught fire and my crush texted me, so the vacuum had to wait
Trainer: Run a mile on the track at your own pace.
Me: Okay. *starts running*
*halley’s comet goes by*
*trainer dies of old age*
*halley’s comet passes again*
*the sun dies*
*final episode of the simpsons airs*
Me(almost halfway done): Halfway there!
Getting a text message from your ex is like getting a message from Satan on an Ouija board.
BABY COW: [points at human] What’s that?
OLDER COW: That is a milk dracula