Somewhere right now someone is dreaming about you. Except your hair is different.

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A couple: *kissing in public*
Me: *perched in a nearby tree* Booooo


The last time I twisted the night away it resulted in two law suits and a medicare plan.


*maintains eye contact with the McDonald’s employee while slowly filling my cargo shorts with free napkins*


Whenever you introduce someone, put air quotes around their name.

I want you to meet my friend “Ami”


Boss: how flexible is your lunch today?
Me: *putting my chicken’s leg over his head…
“I think he’s really limber!”


Me: *ziplines into wedding* “Sup nerds?” *pants get caught and tear off leaving me dangling naked upside down*
Priest: “Ooh a piñata!”


I told my therapist what you said and she’s gonna call your therapist and you’re in big trouble


[Ice Cream Truck]
John Cena: I’ll take an Icee, please.
Ice Cream Truck Driver: Icee? You?
Cena: *grabs driver’s shirt* No, you can’t.


Ever notice how loud the sound of opening a beer can at work is?