My 2yo was concerned about a bruise on his knee so I said “don’t worry it will go away soon” and he earnestly asked “where will it go? in the bin?”
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People obsessed with how much I bench need to #chill. It’s not like Coke publishes their recipe online for morrons to study.
[airport security]
*Beep*
“step through again, but don’t say Beep.”
*Alarm*
“Once more sir, but if u speak, I’ll shoot u.”
{thinks} *bzzt*
If all your friends jumped off a bridge, would you Instagram it?
🎶 I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years
Me: punching a goose in its mouth
Interviewer: you know actually we’ve already filled the position
Me: *clenches fist* was it a goose
I love the Olympics, but missing Dateline due to the Olympics sucks. One of these athletes better end up being a serial killer or something.
Huge sale this weekend, we have too many mountain lions, please come buy a mountain lion, this was a horrible business plan, one guy got ate
me: on second thoughts, hold the mayo
“Excellent choice, sir. And what temperature would you like me to microwave your steak to?” – The Honest Applebees Server
How to ruin your kids day:
1. See their sock on the floor
2. Ask them to pick up their sock
When you send a risky message to your crush and wait for the reply
My 3 year old wants 3 cookies because he’s 3. So I’m having 36.
DATE: you smell so nice – what are you wearing?
ME: Febreeze
*Running late
*Light turns green but car in front wont go
*About to honk when reads bumper sticker: honk if you love disco
*Is late for work
“Mega Shark vs Giant Octopus” is on, followed by “Mega Shark vs Crocasaurus”. Nice job, SyFy. Way to GIVE AWAY THAT GIANT OCTOPUS LOSES.
Who called it emotional baggage and not griefcase
If you don’t like the heart I shaved into my chest hair for you…well, then I should probably keep my underwear on.
If you get the Wordle in 5 while a toddler is screaming at you it counts as getting the Wordle in 1.
doctors: we recommend 7-9 hours of sleep every day
also doctors: time to work my third 24-hour shift this week
It appears my neighbor’s plastic flamingo was hit by a car. What’s the etiquette? Card? Fruit & nut basket?
[me, in front of the firing squad] are you mad at me
Consistent as a McDonald’s ice cream machine
Fitness app: how much do you want to lose each week? 0.5 lbs? 1 lb? 2 lbs?
Me: Um, obviously 2
FA: this is how much you can eat.
Me: ok try 1
FA: sure, here is your calorie ration.
Me:
FA:
Me: ok let’s say I wanted to gain 3 lbs.
FA: here you go!
Me: That’s it?
Couldn’t find my keys so I retraced my steps back to when I was a piece of phosphorescent algae floating in the primordial sea, and yep there they were
a firefly accidentally calling one of the stars in the night sky “mom” lol like how embarassing
“Your password is weak.”
Well so is my desire to do anything about it.
Today I nearly met my end!…it was in a yoga class.
At least try to make it slightly believable
Masseuse (whispers in my ear): Hey baby, would you like a happy ending?
Me: [flashback to end of Infinity Wars] Yes, please
“Owen, you must hide this baby, at all costs, from Anakin Skywalker.”
“Okay. Should we continue to call him Luke Skywalker?”
“Seems fine.”